i <3 gilmore gurlz

an interesting turn of events

2011-05-02T12:13:00.000-04:00

In an interesting turn of events, both Finance and Big Brother are in India this week. Big Brother is still en route, but Finance arrived two days ago. It is an interesting turn of events because Osama Bin Laden was just killed (murdered? assasinated?). Here is what Finance wrote me this morning from his phone:

I think I must start by saying that being in a majority Muslim area of India hearing this news has not given me any particular insight. Rather, perhaps selfishly or naïvely, I feel more uneasy about the event than I would have had I been safely at home in New York. I heard the news less than a day after reaching Hyderabad and it hit me a blow not unlike the oppressive heat and pervasive poverty here. At first I was bewildered and elated, but then, and this is when the selfishness kicked in, I realized that this put me in a precarious situation. I was mere moments from leaving my hotel to take in the madness of a nearby Indian market, but realized that being an American abroad had changed to include a level of danger that hadn't existed mere hours before. My fears were confirmed by the American State Department by way of a strongly worded warning for US residents abroad to stay in their homes. In an interesting turn of fate, that was out of the question for me as I had minutes earlier checked out of my hotel and had a few hours to kill before I could meet up with a friend of a friend who's apartment I would be staying at for the remainder of my time in India. I tried to unobtrusively sit in the lobby of the hotel to plan my next move. This was effective for a while but then I began to get constant requests by increasingly well dressed employees as to when they could arrange a taxi to take me away. I must admit that I was a little panicky. I could not impart the State Department warning or my own, perhaps unjust, fears upon anyone. Eventually a dapper fellow in a suit insisted upon knowing my plans. I told him I would just wait a while longer, then eat lunch there (so as not to appear to be a freeloader) and he looked at me incredulously, this being hours before the restaurant would open. I was wondering how these people felt about the death of Osama Bin Laden and what they thought of this ridiculous American trying to hide in their lobby. Eventually I hit upon the idea of asking if their bar was open. I could use a drink, both in celebration and out of the erroneous assumption that it would calm my nerves. They were amenable, if slightly nonplussed about opening their bar at 10 am to a single patron. I then took up residence in their dark bar, nursing Kingfisher beers, and eventually writing this rambling missive on my phone. I turned on the television and began to consume news reports along with my beer. Hours before they would even wake or hear the news, I sent confident messages to my fiancée and family saying I was fine and keeping my head down, to not worry about me and that I loved them. I began guessing that this was a gross overreaction to the situation, but it soothed my nerves and I'm hoping theirs. What somewhat helped me cope with this newfound uncertainty was the arrival in the dark bar of the hotel management. Three impeccably dressed Indian men who came in and harangued the bartender, the only words I understood were CNN and TV. After flipping channels for a while, they then asked where I was from, and upon hearing the reply lit up in smiles and began vigorously slapping me on the back and shaking my hand saying how happy they were in India and how, again erroneously assuming at least in part, that I was drinking this early in celebration of this momentous event. Perhaps the most striking facet of the Indian news coverage has been the villainization of Pakistan. Headlines kept flashing: PAK's Lies Exposed, ISI Builds Mansion for Osama? and Pakistan Caught Red Handed?. I wondered if this had something to do with the positive reactions and distinctive head wobbling of the Indians I spoke with. As I write this one of the men in suits returned and said, "Big celebrations in US, yes?" With my poor imitation head wobble I said yes big celebrations and started to explain that I was also nervous about potential reprisals, but quickly realized that the language barrier was too great to convey anything but feeble agreement. Again and again I saw images of Washington and New York in the throes of celebration. If I were at home I would have enjoyed, if not joined in the celebration, but sitting here in Hyderabad, I just felt uncomfortable with the death of a prominent Muslim, despite his mass murder and general loathsomeness. I worry about martyrdom, and retribution, but perhaps as an American who's father has spent extensive time in Afghanistan in recent years and like many Americans keenly felt the blow of 9/11, I should just embrace the positive. Whether Pakistan will now be declared a terrorist state or this will effectively end the "War on Terror" I can't say. All I can say is that a monster has been excised from the world and because of my own situation I can't tell how to feel about it.

hello the loves

2011-04-22T17:40:00.000-04:00

hello the loves,
please note. i did not have time to eat lunch. but i am currently enjoying a luke warm Yuengling at my work desk. so if you have any question as to my state of mind, it's low blood sugar/drunk.

but what's important, is that you know, that i know, that this isn't as good as it gets. it gets gooder. it gets better. we have more life than these 20 minutes before work is over on a friday. we have weekend. we are the weekend.

we, as people, are weekends. we are hope, we are aspirations, we are home projects that we will never actually be accomplished, we are 10 am yoga classes that we won't go to, we are sleeping in late, we are late smoky nights, we are laughs that are louder than they should be, we are sunday nights in pajamas, we are "making some time to read" but instead watching tv marathons, we are drunk brunches, we are not work days.

so take these 20 minutes and stick it up someone else's ass.

love,
khammarin

full on rant

2011-04-14T10:44:00.000-04:00

what the fuck? TURN OFF YOUR LAMP IN YOUR OFFICE WHEN YOU GO HOME.

we all know the earth is going to shit, right? and it's because humans are sloppy and wasteful. there was a psa on the other day about turning off the water while you brush your teeth, and Finance was all "i think we get it by now, we have heard that since we were kids."

well, apparently, no. apparently, we still need reminders to turn off lights and the water when YOU ARE NOT USING IT.

it blows my mind. everyone is a bunch of terrible babies.

on a side note: to the man in the kitchen area talking about your passion for music turned into a career. you can also go to hell. i mean, great for you, i am sure you are super happy. but the sake of the rest of us, go to hell.

on a side side note: i think i accidently dressed like an old woman today.

couch

2011-03-28T18:33:00.001-04:00

after a years long campaign i finally fulfilled my drunken wish of sleeping on the couch.

you see for some time now, Finance has made me go into the bedroom, mere feet away from the couch when i get just a little drunk. but i want to sleep on the couch. the couch seems so much more comfortable, so much more convenient, so much more like where i am already sleeping.

and this weekend he finally let me do it.

and while my back hurts from the contortions to make my body fit, and Finance had to check on me every couple minutes to make sure i wasn't dead. i think it was worth it.

now, i did get up at 6 am and move into the bed, but still. i accomplished my goal, which was being so ornery when drunk that even the person who loves me the most gives up, and lets me sleep on a very uncomfortable surface.

it only took 8 and 1/2 years!

ta-da!

saturday post

2011-03-26T09:32:00.000-04:00

this won't happen a lot. but i am just so excited to be back on blogging that i am posting on saturday.

now, granted, not much as changed since yesterday.

but! listen to this story that no one cares about! i was walking to the subway from work the other day, and there was this dude wearing sunglasses and a hood, and had a super long beard. he was kind of staring at me, probably because i was wearing my green hat which is very striking. so i was staring back at him.

then i realized the man he was walking with was Theirry Guetta, or Mr. Brainwash. and i got the most star struck i have ever been in my whole life. and one time i saw Dennis Rodman at the mall when i was in junior high.

i thought about following them, which was weird because what would happen then? i just follow two dudes for a couple blocks and then what? we become best friends? so i got on the subway instead.

the point of all of this, is that i have convinced myself i saw Banksy.

fuck it

2011-03-25T10:03:00.001-04:00

i tried tumblr. and i like tumblr.

but i miss my blog. this is a straight up legit blog. it says blog in the web addy. on tumblr you can just re-blog someone else's picture, and you posted content.

but i have rambling incoherent thoughts that need to expressed, and then fake commented on by me.

so i am back to blogspot. boo-ya bitches, i am back.

i am back to write about how bored i am at work. i am back to write about what i ate for lunch. i am back to pretend like i have a sense of purpose in life.

coming back to blogspot actually really makes me feel like this blog was something more than a free website i set up in 2006. it's like something that could be important, because i left it and came back.

you know what that means, right? true love. i set my blog free, or my blog set me free... either way one of us was free or both of us were free, but now we have decided to come back. so, it's true love.

also, it's friday, so you know what that means, fake comment friday.

TUMBLR

2010-07-09T10:46:00.000-04:00

AT THE MOMENT I HAVE MOVED TO TUMBLR. Who knows if it will be forever.

www.gilmoregurlz.tumblr.com

Movie Reviews of Movies Everyone has Already Seen

2010-07-07T10:58:00.000-04:00

Murder on the Orient Express
LOVED IT. Also, sometimes boring.
Also, there is basically no way you can figure out who the murderer is through clues.
ALSO Sean fucking Connery is in it.
Also, lastly, you should probs watch it sooner than later.

Like all movies I watch, it is available on Netflix Watch Instantly. Why? Because Boyfriend and I lost our DVDs.

Milwaukee

2010-07-07T10:46:00.000-04:00

So, you guyses, I had a really fucking fantastic 4th of July. There was cake, and babies, and pie, and fambly, and also wine.

But in all earnesty, I think seeing this sign after security at the Milwaukee airport, was hands down my favorite part:

Blog Reviews

2010-06-25T10:49:00.002-04:00

Mama Hammerberry reviews my blog: Unless you are interested in her bowel movements, there isn't much to read.

Ta-da! The most concise review of my blog ever.

Coming in second is of course Chris Singel who said that my blog was "like a car crash that you can't turn away from."

And then in third is J Purvie who said "pedestrian, in the best way possible."

I'M A HIT! Broadway here I come!

New neighbors

2010-06-21T09:59:00.000-04:00

Alls I am going to say at the time being, is that DC's homeless are vets that served our country and were then forgotten by our government. So while your mohawk is very adorable boy who ran away from home so he could live in a park in THE New York City, you will not be getting any of my change. Because if I didn't give change to the skitzophrenic Nam vet, I most certainly won't be giving my money to you.

Dashboard Confessional Review

2010-06-14T13:05:00.000-04:00

Dashboard Confessional just came up on my pandora. And it reminded me of Mom's review of the band.

"This dude needs a new girlfriend."

And then I wasn't not allowed to play "my music" on family trips any more.

Living with Boys

2010-06-04T10:09:00.001-04:00

I am currently living with Little Brother and his Roommates.

We watch a lot of sports.

They don't really like to talk during the sports.

I am like a plant who needs water. But I don't need water because I can get that on my own. I need attention. I can feel myself wilting away.

Why oh why do the NBA finals and the NHL finals have to overlap?!?! WHY?!!?!?!?

This is a love letter, so don't read it if you don't like love letters

2010-06-02T11:49:00.000-04:00

Dear Boyfriend,
Packing all our belongings was tedious and shitty.

Moving all our belongings into a truck was terrible. I have so many bruises.

Driving those six hours, in traffic and then that mother fucking down pour, was a nightmare.

Oh dude, and then when Cat peed on herself, or sweated herself wet, or I don't know what she did but she was wet and sad, I was about to lose my mind.

When that dude parked right behind our truck in his Audi when we were trying to move was hilariously poor timing. I am glad that I yelled at him.

That rain, do you remember when it started raining when we got to the city and we had to unpack all our stuff? That was lucifer's wet dream.

And then I had to get back to DC so I could work the next day? And now we have to live apart for two weeks. And the Roommates do NOT get my jokes like you and Cat do.

Jesus christ, this whole moving ordeal is fucking miserable.

And the most romantic thing we have ever done.

Love,
Karen Louis Hammberry

P.S. Thanks for the picture of Cat at the new house. NONE of the Roommates wanted to look at it, including Little Brother.

Movie Reviews of Movies Everyone has Already Seen

2010-05-24T18:40:00.003-04:00

Year One
This might be the worst movie I have ever seen.

It is time

2010-05-20T11:10:00.000-04:00

It is time to say it outloud:

Boyfriend and I are moving to New York City.

We are going at the end of the month. I have been avoiding saying it out loud because that makes it real. And making it real means emotions. And since I cry at cell phone commercials I don't think I will handle actual emotion every well.

Leaving DC feels like a break-up where nothing is going wrong. You just know there isn't really a future together. I love DC. DC has been wonderful to me, and hopefully I have been wonderful to it. There's just no spark any more. DC leaves it's dirty underwear on the floor, and I use the bathroom with the door open.

And in reality, that sounds like a pretty awesome relationship because who has the energy to close the door every time you go to the bathroom. It's just time to go our separate ways.

So, if you are in DC. Come say "hello, goodbye" tonight at Stetsons on U Street. I'll be there all night.

All Grown Up!!!!!!!!

2010-05-14T11:57:00.000-04:00

Little Brother: hi

me: hi poodle!

do you know what the plan is at all?

graduation is at 4

do you want to talk about yo yo guy?

because i happily will

i am going to make mom and dad

watch him

YOU ARE GRADUATING

SO EXCITING

but the yo yo guy is a genius

you know what i really like

cereal

its so good

and somtimes i completely forget it exists

Little Brother: yup

Life without Cable (and why I am better than you)

2010-04-16T13:33:00.001-04:00

I think I have written this blog once already. But I just had another amazing bout of "I am better than you." That I felt like I needed to share.

I just tried to watch some of Real Housewives of New York. And I did not like that show, at all.

But I used to be able to watch it for marathons at a time.

It's fun that "marathon" a totes grueling activity is now used to describe blocks of America's Next Top Model on VH1, right?

"I've completed a marathon."

"Me, too! I can't believe that Jeana left the franchise, I mean what is she going to do? Actually sell real estate? Bitch, please."

"No, I meant I ran 26.something miles."

"Ohhhh, I switched back and forth from Bravo and VH1 for 9 hour straight while eating my weight in Tostitos and con queso dip. Sometimes I watched a little HGTV if it was an episode I had already seen."

I just realized there is a caveat to me being better than you. And I am reluctant to admit this. But what if you have cable, and you don't watch shitty horrible TV shows? Oh god, is that possible? That you might actually have restraint enough to turn off the TV when you don't want to watch anything?

I still watch TV constantly without cable, but now it's just PBS and local news. And then when Judge Judy comes on shit gets amazing for half an hour.

Oh no, I am still worse than you, aren't I? It doesn't matter who has cable and who doesn't. I still have the taste to be entertained by trash.

Okay, well fine. I mean really worse case scenario here is that nothing changes in our relationship. You continue to read books and I will continue to try and watch tv while at work.

It's Friday Mother Fuckers

2010-04-09T10:49:00.000-04:00

It is Friday.

I am hungggggover. And I am drinking an iced coffee. My guess is that I will have to move swiftly to the bathroom in a few minutes. But it's all worth it.

Life, my dear friends, is always worth it. Choosing to live is worth it. We could all go home after this, and watch TV. OR! We could get super fucking drunk with friends. Or I guess you could get drunk while watching TV, but that doesn't help my argument here about living, so can we all pretend that the TV-drinking option doesn't exist? Good.

Now, to my point about life and love and breathing and skipping and eating things with your hands and being happy. Yep. Nailed it. Wait, let me rephrase: There is no point.

I totes just tricked you into thinking that I actually had some comprehensible point about life. But I got nothing. I am just for realsies hung over. But I think this is going well.

My eyes feel dry.

Movie Reviews of Movies Everyone has Already Seen

2010-04-05T15:48:00.001-04:00

Another round of movie reviews of movies everyone in the entire world has seen but me.

Pineapple Express
Scary! Violent! Pretty funny.
Overall: I liked it.
But: It felt like the character development didn't always make sense. Was Seth Rogen's character dumb or not?
Notes: So very violent.

Julie and Julia
Dumb. Hungry.
Overall: It made me want to eat baguette.
But: That's about the only thing the movie made me feel.
Notes: I liked Meryl Streep as Julia. But the Julie girl was annoying as fuck. Do you really fall that much when you cook? I don't.

yeah, I did it

2010-04-02T16:42:00.001-04:00

You know that person who takes a couple bites of pizza and then puts in back in the box?

That's me.

I often take a few bites of donut at work, and put it back. I don't think twice about it.

That's what I do. And I am not ashamed.

Why do I do it? Because that's all I want. I don't need a whole cookie, or sandwich, or whatever food item you are offering. I just want a piece of it.

People will be all "Gross, who did this? Who took two bits of this brownie and put it back?" And I'll be all "Me. All I wanted was two bites, get over it."

And have I ever seen some food sitting out that has bites taken out, and eaten it anyways?

Of course.

It's perfectly good food, that someone only wanted a few bites of, totally understandable, and thankfully they left it for me to swoop in on.

It's called being socially conscience people, get on board.

Landline

2010-03-31T14:42:00.002-04:00

I only use a landline phone at work, so when I was at my parent's house using theirs, I kept dailing "9" to get out. But really what I was doing was racking up expensive over seas calls. Whoopth.

best blog ever

2010-03-18T18:20:00.000-04:00

I was looking through a bunch of my old blogs. Oh, I'll start doing work at work one of these days.

And I found this: http://gilmoregurlz.blogspot.com/2007/03/shut-up-chris-singel.html

And I think it's the best blog I have ever written. Suhr-iously.

Notes on Florida

2010-03-16T17:08:00.000-04:00

People in Florida like to drive like maniacs.

They also like to drive trucks with unsecure stuff in the back, like chairs, and huge piles of wood. And you will get nervous because they will be driving 90+ miles per hour.

There are a LOT of cows here.

When you book a room by the beach because you think it looks cute and relaxing, you will be wrong because it will actually be a place where spring breakers stay, and they will yell and run around all night. And you will want to call the front desk and get the kids to be quiet. Then you will feel super old, and bad. But still you have to work the next day.

Besides the spring breakers there is a SERIOUS amount of old people. They will do things SERIOUSLY slow, like look for their CVS rewards card for upwards of 10 minutes.

When left to my own devices I will eat Tostitos alone in my hotel room for dinner.

Now that's what I call...

2010-03-05T12:56:00.002-05:00

An emotional roller coaster.

Last night I competed in Washington Improv Theater's FIST tournament. You know the one that I was bragging about winning last year? Well, I lost last night. In the first round.

And I was all grumpy and disappointed.

I was blow drying, may hair this morning and when I flipped it over and it was all soft and awesome looking, I thought, "Thanks for throwing me a bone today, Universe. I appreciate it."

Then I found out two really good friends got engaged! TO EACH OTHER! And I was like, "This is a big helping of perspective. Waaaaay more important things than FIST. Universe, you are so good at teaching lessons."

About an hour ago I got a call from my aunt.

My mom's mom, my grandmother is in the hospital. They think she had a stroke. My aunt found her lying unconscious on the floor this morning.

PERSPECTIVE!!

Define Over Committed.

2010-03-04T13:50:00.000-05:00

I am performing five times this weekend.

Tonight @ 9:30 pm for Washington Improv Theater's FIST (fighting improv smackdown tournament). It is my group "The Coven" first round.
http://washingtonimprovtheater.com/

And if you remember, I WON the tournament last year, which leads to the next performance on Friday at 8 pm. Where last year's champions "Not Mad. Disappointed." takes a final victory lap.
http://washingtonimprovtheater.com/pages.php?pageName=fullshow&ID=113&startWU=2&showName=iMusical:%20Opening%20Night

And for an encore on Friday @ 10:00 pm night I perform at GW receS's Slate Festival. My alma mater of course. I have no clue if there is a link.

Saturday night, I perform twice with WIT ensemble groups, one with onesixityone at 8:00 pm and then a show with Caveat @ 9:30 pm. Links embedded and what not.

Have I mentioned that I am the WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER?

Also, this picture....

How?!?!?!!?!?

2010-03-02T13:48:00.000-05:00

From this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/03/us/03marry.html?ref=us

"The study found that, overall, 62 percent of women ages 25 to 44 were married and 8 percent were cohabiting. Among men, the comparable figures were 59 percent and 10 percent."

How?! How are the figures different? If they are 'cohabitating' and marrying each other. How?1?!?

And before you are all like, what about the gays. They took care of that:

"The authors define cohabitation as people who live with a sexual partner of the opposite sex."

So the question remains HOW?!?! How are more women cohabitating with men, than men are?

IT

2010-03-02T10:26:00.001-05:00

If only the IT department knew how satisfying it is to type "changethispassword" into my login every morning. Their shame technique completely neutralized by my desire to win.

Karen Hammberry and Boyfriend Acquire Rockband, Neighbors Immediately Form Coalition

2010-02-26T16:29:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON, DC- "As soon as I saw the Rock Band boxes being brought into their apartment, I started going door to door getting a petition signed," said one neighbor to Karen Hammberry and Boyfriend, who has asked to remain nameless. "I thought the guy who was going door to door was annoying, but then once they started playing I understood," said a neighbor from Apt 427. He added "At first I couldn't figure out what was happening, I thought someone was doing construction or drilling, like inside my ear drums."

"I LOVE IT," Karen Hammberry is quoted as saying. Although, when we tried to interview her we only received a couple of mumurs, as she was entrenched in trying to score a 60% or better playing the drums. "It's not my strong suit."

"Oh you want to know what she thinks her strong suit is? Eye of the fucking Tiger," said the Anonymous petition starter. "She 'sings' that song at the top of her lungs, one horrible off tune screech after another." Hammberry has been heard to say "I rule at that song, I like become a tiger." But again, when reached for comment she couldn't tear her eyes off of Hungry Like the Wolf by Duran Duran. She ended up failing out of the song.

Boyfriend's only comment, "At least those neighbors don't have to drive in a car with her while she sings. Think about being in an enclosed space with that voice." When asked if he likes the game, "Yeah, it's a great new piece of video gaming brought to a new level with graphics and the interaction..." (FULL DISCLOSURE: Our reporter fell asleep a little while Boyfriend was talking about video games, but we are sure it was super interesting.)

The neighbors hope to reach a resolution shortly, limiting the number of hours Hammberry can play the game, and some sort of volume control.

And the battle continues....

2010-02-26T15:34:00.000-05:00

The battle for funniest in the family continues as Little Brother drops the latest gaunlet with this piece:

NEW YORK- Cynics of the world rejoice over the news that Verizon Wireless will be adding an italics button for text messaging. On Tuesday, Verizon CEO Ivan G. Seidenberg released the news saying “The new option comes after I received several texts messages that were unclear, if they were sarcastic or not.” He later used the word “outraged” describing how he felt after his son told him he was being sarcastic and he wasn’t the “coolest dad ever” after telling his son he couldn’t go on spring break with his friends. The new ability will be located next to the space bar. It will allow senders to clear up discrepancies that frequently arise after receiving ambiguous texts. The phrases “Sure u did” and “Sure u did” have pretty different meanings. This is one step in the right direction for texting. People able to convey further emotion and tone while still being as impersonal as possible. Who knows what will be next? Let me tell you bold.

Holy What Balls!?!?!?

2010-02-12T16:21:00.002-05:00

Whoa, bejesus.

This is a website full of videos of dogs singing along to the Law and Order theme song.

http://nastynets.com/?p=2890

Best day ever?

Movie Reviews of Movies Everyone Has Already Seen

2010-02-10T22:10:00.002-05:00

Up

All I can say is that you should not watch this movie on the first day of your period. Because you will cry so much you will become dehydrated.

Application to be my boyfriend

2010-02-10T13:48:00.000-05:00

This is the application to my heart.

1. Do you love me?

2. Do you love me enough to make me popcorn, right now?

(We only make stove popcorn in this household, and Boyfriend passes this test daily. Yes, I eat popcorn daily.)

Beer!

2010-02-06T13:36:00.000-05:00

So, I just watched Beer Wars, which is this awesome documentary about beer in America. And it's totes eye opening about what a monopoly the big three have on beer. The big three being Miller, Coors, and of course Anheuser Busch (Budweiser). Bud having a 50% hold on the market, meaning 1 out of every 2 beers bought is made by Bud.

And you find out through watching the doc, that Budweiser is just about as evil as companies get, and they keep buying up all the smaller companies because they threaten Bud's hold on the market.

(NOTE: I have zero idea why I care so much, but I feel totally impassioned against Bud all of a sudden. Like I want to murder Bud's children. I haven't felt this passionate about something since I got drunk last night and I insisted Boyfriend didn't love me.)

Anywhoozle, here is a list of all the Bud products, I bolded ones that I think are extra shitty:

Budweiser
Bud Light
Budweiser Select
Bud Light Lime
Bud Light Golden Wheat
Budweiser American Ale
Select 55
Bud Dry
Bud Ice
Budweiser and Clamato Chelada
Bud Light & Clamato Chelada
Michelob Original Lager
Michelob Light
Michelob AmberBock
Michelob Bavarian Style Wheat
Michelob Dunkel Weisse
Michelob Honey Lager
Michelob Honey Wheat
Michelob Irish Red Ale
Michelob Marzen
Michelob Pale Ale
Michelob Porter
Michelob Rye P.A.
Shock Top Belgian White
Michelob ULTRA
Michelob ULTRA Amber
Michelob ULTRA Lime Cactus
Michelob ULTRA Pomegranate Raspberry
Michelob Golden Draft
Michelob Golden Draft Light
Beach Bum Blonde Ale
Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale
Hop Hound Amber Wheat
Winter's Bourbon Cask Ale
Busch
Busch Light
Busch Ice
Natural Light
Natural Ice
Bass
Beck's
Beck's Dark
Beck's Oktoberfest
Becks's Premier Light
Boddingtons
Czechvar
Hoegaarden
Kirin Ichiban
Kirin Light
Leffe
Stella Artois
Redbridge
Rolling Rock
Rock Light
Rock Green Light
Wild Blue
ZiegenBock
ZiegenBock Amber
SkipJack Amber
Hurricane High Gravity
Hurricane Ice
Hurricane Malt Liquor
King Cobra
BACARDI Silver Mojito
BACARDI Silver Lemonade
BACARDI Silver Raz
BACARDI Silver Strawberry
TILT Orange
TILT Green
Redhook
Widmer Brothers
O'Doul's
O'Doul's Amber
Busch NA
Beck's NA
180 All-Natural Energy
Monster Energy
Icelandic Glacial

So, I don't know. Don't buy Bud products. I know they were bought by InBev, but still they are the WORST.

Finally Home!

2010-02-03T13:26:00.000-05:00

I am home!

Working at home after 10 days gone is wonderful.

But eating at home after 10 days gone is not. Boyfriend goes a little feral when I am gone. So, there is very little to eat here.

So I just made two veggie burger patties, and two fried eggs. I don't know why. But I made it and ate it, and I barely remember any other details.

Gross.

Not Home Yet

2010-01-31T23:00:00.000-05:00

Nothing fun here.

Maybe if you guys are good and ask some questions, Boyfriend will rear his head and post something for you.

More on hotels

2010-01-27T23:21:00.003-05:00

These super magnified mirrors in hotel bathrooms are not doing wonders for my skin.

I can see every black head and bump. And I won't rest until I have made them all red and inflamed.

Travel Tiredness

2010-01-26T20:10:00.000-05:00

You guyses. It's only day 3 of my 9 day shoot. And I am so tired and lonely that when I got back to the hotel today I said.

"I love my room."

I don't love the room! MTV doesn't even work properly in the room. There is no bathtub in the room. I can't even put a yogart in the mini fridge in my room because it's locked and will charge me if I open it.

I don't love the room!

But the room is all I have right now.

Airport- Poopers

2010-01-24T23:42:00.000-05:00

This past month or so I have been to a lot of airport bathrooms.

Reagan National- DC
Dulles- VA
O'Hare- Chicago, IL
Denver- Colorado
BWI- Baltimore, MD
ATL- Hotlanta, GA

The absolute worst one has been the old part of Regan National. Totes gross, wet, and dirty.

Denver, and Hotlanta were acceptable. Cleaner than regular public bathrooms.

Dulles and BWI were both pretty clean, and had automatic flush toilets which are key for me.

But O'Hare, while having the shit kicked out of it (I'M HILARIOUS), is the absolute best. For one reason: automatic toilet seat covers.

See, I am a lazy. And O'Hare has me covered (MORE HILARITY).

Also, kittens, I am traveling more. I am gone for a week. So posts will continue to be sporadic. I am sorry lovefaces.

Offices

2010-01-13T10:20:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I signed a birthday card for someone. It was my second day. I wrote a really heartfelt note about how much she means to me, and how happy I was everyday to see her. How she has made my life better.

Then I started wondering if construction workers pass birthday cards around the site, but rather than use a manila folder to hide them, they use i-beams.

New Job

2010-01-12T14:46:00.002-05:00

I started a new job. It's very busy, but not terrible.

I wish I could tell you what I am working on, but I think that would lead me to getting dooced.

So, I will say that it is gross and heart breaking, and that I will be traveling a lot.

Funny stuff, jokes, silly things, jokes. Bye.

Riddles for commenter

2010-01-03T13:21:00.000-05:00

Riddles:

There is a dead man in a room with 53 bicycles. How did he die?

A man walks into a restaraunt and orders Albatross. He takes one bite, goes outside and kills himself. Why?

A man walks into his building and presses the button for his floor in the elevator. He immediately knows his wife is dead. How?

Now chickies, I am in Colorado so updating will be hard. But leave answers in the comments and I'll be checking in.

2009-12-30T14:55:00.002-05:00

Cat wishes I would just go back to work already.

Please take a tour of my bedroom...

2009-12-29T20:33:00.000-05:00

Here is a tour of my bedroom at my parent's house. Take a look, and let me know if you see a pattern or theme.

Here is my bed, and my feature wall, or focus wall, or special wall:

Here is the border and some paintings:

Here are some cute trinkets:

And, the bathroom:

And of course, the icing on the cake:

My hand is huge! And, remember it's easier to buy gifts when people stick to their themes!

Oooooh you guys!

2009-12-22T12:01:00.000-05:00

My little brother had his tonsils out last Friday.

And yesterday Dad wanted to make him some scrambled eggs. But he didn't know how. So, he looked it up in the Joy of Cooking.

How adorable is that?

Airport Bathrooms

2009-12-22T09:36:00.000-05:00

I spent a lot of hours in airports yesterday. Twitter has the full feed.

But, it's the worst when you go into a bathroom and think "this one even I won't sit down on." And then there are none of those paper seat cover dealios left. And your suspicions of it being gross, are immediately confirmed because everyone has had the same thought already.

So then you are left to hover.

Oh Yennifur!

2009-12-18T13:02:00.001-05:00

Jennifer: also, i just found food in the cuff of my pants?

Closed

2009-12-18T12:42:00.000-05:00

Today is the last day at my current job. Soon to be un-current, or past tensed job.

I have been working on one documentary television show since May. And now it's over.

While it was super hard and sometimes I hated it. I feel really proud to have done it. I did some cool stuff, and a lot of stupid shit, like get ice for the cooler.

But overall, I feel kind of successful putting this show behind me. And let me tell you, throwing shit out from your desk feels so incredibly good. Like the last day of school before summer break. Except it's winter time, and freezing outside.

I keep typing swear words, and then deleting them because I am trying to write all nice and shit.

Things to know for The (Inevitable) Future

2009-12-17T15:17:00.001-05:00

Bourbon, followed by cheap beer, followed by falafel is not good for a Wednesday night.

Let me explain. First, I drank bourbon, and then I drank cheap beer, and then I did what can best be descried as "housed" a falafel sandwich smothered in hummus.

This is bad to do on a Wednesday night for the folling reasons:

1. You must get up and go to work the next day. That's hard to do after consuming large quantities of alcohol.

2. No amount of teeth brushing or really whole mouth brushing can get rid of your hummus scented breath.

3. The odor that is emitted by your rear end will be so toxic, that you will have to take "walks" around the office floor to try and disguise where the scent is coming from.

4. While doing very little at work, you will hear a song on a 30 Rock mash-up. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMKrAR6YBDI&feature=related) And you will be like, "hey, i kind of like that song." and when you google the lyrics you will discover its a FERGIE SONG.

In conclusion, I made some choices last night that has made today harder to live. But I would most def do it again.

Put some cheese on it.

2009-12-10T11:01:00.000-05:00

This morning I tired to make a tasty hole-in-one treat. Which is a piece of bread and an egg in the center.

I say tried because things did not go well. Apparently, some sort of non-stick spray was needed. It turned into more of a bread and egg scramble.

But I simply sprinkled some cheese on it, and all was well. So I thought I would share with you some other quick recipes that can be remedied with cheese.

Asian Stir Fry
- Add vegetables to frying pan
- Add soy sauce to frying pan
- Add peanut oil to frying pan
- Add hot sauce seasoning
- Get absorbed in America's Funniest Home Videos
- Completely over cook all the vegetables
- Sprinkle some bleu cheese on dish
- Eat

Chocolate Cake
- Follow directions on box
- Get completely absorbed in YouTube video of kitten playing peek-a-boo
- Burn cake
- Cut off burned spots
- Sprinkle swiss cheese on cake
- Put on icing
- If you are feeling extra naughty, sprinkle additional cheese on top of frosting
- Indulge

Cheese Left Out of Fridge
- Take some cheese out of fridge for snack
- Leave on counter
- Take a nap, or better yet, leave house
- Come back to find hardened block of cheese
- Take out spreadable and or sprayable cheese
- Spread on hardened cheese
- Consume double cheese sandwich

This won't make sense to most of you...

2009-12-01T15:17:00.001-05:00

I read this website called Jezebel. It's part of the Gawker Media blog empire.

It's an awesome website. And their commenting process is closed. Meaning not everyone can comment. You have to audition to be a commenter. And since most of the thoughts I have are about poop, none of comments have ever been approved.

UNTIL LAST NIGHT. I am now a full fledged commenter, or something like that.

And I want to comment on EVERYTHING. The problem is, my thoughts are pretty much limited to poop, and jokes about poop, and SOMETIMES cute fuzzy animals. So I am forcing myself to say anything about everyting.

A story about Martha Stewart. My comment, "Martha Stewart cooks things. That will eventually come out of you as poop." Wha? That's all I know to say about her

December Vogue issue. "That stuff is expensive, you know what is cheap? H&M, also poop."

Something about Jane Austen. "Fart."

I wonder if I can get my status taken away....

2009-11-24T10:58:00.002-05:00

i just spent 45 minutes fixing my mechanical pencil. totes worth it.

Music

2009-11-20T11:09:00.000-05:00

How do you not like rap music?

Have you heard rap music? It's awesome.

But I guess that's true for any music that's done well. Like, have you heard Opera? Good Opera? It's fucking awesome.

Music is cool.

Mythical Newsroom Love

2009-11-18T16:11:00.002-05:00

These emails starts at 3:19 pm today and go until 3:59 pm:

3:19

from: karin
to: mythical newsroom
unicorn, or aparna, didn't one of you friends take pictures during our show? i thought i heard someone say they had.

can we see them, if answer is yes.

also, i had such a lame rehearsal yesterday. where everything you do feels forced, and everyone else is being funny. i had that, and it is leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

3:21
from: aparna
to: mythical newsroom
oh gawd. that's how i've felt for like the last 2 months of improv minus all the mythical shows. WHAT DOES THAT SAY!?!

i'm just going to fake it till i make it. karin L. hammberrger you are a star, and donchoo forgot it!!!

3:23
from: karin
to: mythical newsroom
i am going to write some really cryptic things on our website.

like if heaven is playing with mythical newsroom i am just going to kill myself now.

3:24
from: jenny
to: mythical newsroom
Dont do that!!! Just play with mythical here on earth instead!

3:29
from: unicorn
to: mythical newsroom

My friend Nate took a few. I'll try to get them from him. Karin, you rule the world! You are a princess of improv!

PS. I booked my first commercial on Tuesday. It's non union for kashi and shoots tomorrow. I hope I make the final edit. We'll see...

3:31
from: karin
to: mythica newsroom
UNICORN!!! that is so exciting!!! congratulations!!! now remember if they are like:

we really need three other adorable girls, we are here.

but seriously, congrats!!! make that money, honey buns!

3:31
from: jenny
to: mythical newsroom
YAY! 7 whole grains on a mission!! Congratulations

3:32
from: unicorn

to: mythical newsroom
Also we all have slumps. When we feel like we've plateaued. But then that ends and you surge ahead! Don't fret. It's just a phase. It's there a blog or article Witth this graph.? Dan linked it in his wit interview about his magnet victory.

3:35
from: aparna
to: mythical newsroom
UNICORN CONGRATULATIONS THAT IS HEEEEYOOOGE. Make sure they don't put you in a factory and make you wear a hairnet. Tell them you look best in diva garb.Oh wait I'm thinking of Honey Bunches of Oats. Kashi knows what they're doing. Carry on! Tell them you have a cinnamon sugar blender! (Is that how you got it?)

3:34

from: unicorn
to: mythical newsroom
I know I'm really psyched. We have to work out though. But I'm a "college girl" and I think we just walk. Other people do boot camp. I was happy I was a college girl, also for my ego.

3:37
from: karin
to: mythical newsroom
AH! i am seriously, so excited for you.

i am going to lose 25 lbs and move to new york with you and do commercials.

those are all my life goals:
lose 25 lbs
move to new york
do commercials

nothing more and nothing less.

3:38
from: aparna
to: mythical newsroom
Pssssh one day you're going to get cast as the leading baby in a huge A-list movie and your head is going to explode from the joy!!!

3:39
from: aparna
to: mythical newsroom
karin, are you relaly going to move to new york!

3:38 (yep, back in time)

from: unicorn
to: mythical newsroom
Lol, no. Got that myself. I don't speak unless they do some improv. The audition was all improv. They'll just show different types of people working out in central park and trying to be fit. Hope I get to eat a kashi bar-- more of a chance I'll make the cut. It's non union so not ridiculous amounts of money but still a lot. I get more if I make cut and that would be 2 months rent! So I'm hoping like crazy I do.

3:40
from: karin
to: mythical newsroom
you will make cut!!! your beautiful!

3:40
from: karin
to: mythical newsroom
you're

3:40
from: aparna
to: mythical newsroom
yeah seriously i would buy loads of kashi if you were in the commercial

3:42
from: jenny
to: mythical newsroom
I am going to write Kashi a letter right now demanding more red heads in their commercials. That should do the trick!

No one is going anywhere! i just got facebook and that's all the change i can take for a year.

3:42

from: unicorn
to: mythica newsroom
Commercials are digging real looking people now. Not all, but a good amt. And if you moved to NYC you'd make a Harold team like that with Emily and start writing for late night with Jimmy falom or something. You'd be a great producer for that show too.

3:45
from: karin
to: mythical newsroom
ooooh, unicorn!!! you are the best.

i feel like publishing our emails, which are just full on compliments.

i, too, will write kashi about more redheads, and then send them a picture of yennifur, so you two can do it together.

3:44 (yep back in time, again)
from: unicorn
to: mythical newsroom
I just blushed. There are 2 college girls and were the only people cast who are in their 20s. One guy. So if they cut us they are making a major marketing mistake

3:47

from: aparna
to:mythical newsroom
yeah seriously you guys are the demo for the cereal!

3:51
from: jenny
to: mythical newsroom
I hope they give you the oatmeal raisin kasi bar. Thems is tasty.

Side note: i wish there was a way to chew quieter. I feel very self-conscious about my crunching right now.

3:55
from: karin
to: mythical newsroom
close your mouth.

3:55

from: karin
to: mythical newsroom
i am going to put these email up on my blog.

3:56

from: aparna
to: mythical newsroom

NOT ALL OF THEM, right?! i am going to get a coffee and sing to myself!

3:57

from: jenny

to: mythical newsroom

hahha, please at least publish that last one...

3:59

from: unicorn

to: mythical newsroom

Hahaha! We're like the feelgood gang.

Now, tell us we are the best.

Spam

2009-11-18T12:32:00.000-05:00

This blog is getting spammed. And it's an emotional roller coaster for me.

I get really excited when I see a new email, stating that I have a new comment on my little diary of over share (did I write diary or dairy?).

BUT then I see it's someone who would just like my readers to purchase some sex drugs, or in the latest case, purchase some people to have sex with. This makes me upset that it is not a real person who thinks, "Interesting blog as for me. It would be great to read something more about this theme."

And then I realize that this spambot thinks that my blog actually has readers, and well, I get super excited again. I guess me hitting my own blog multiple times a day has tricked the internet sex machine into thinking actual people read this. I am a genius! A spam attracting genius.

Then another down turn. No one reads this.

Fashion

2009-11-16T16:32:00.000-05:00

Mythical Newsroom had a show up in THE New York City on Friday, thanks to Reverse 5, a wonderful and handsome improv group.

We had a very enjoyable time. Here is proof:

But here is my question now. Is being fashionable just wearing stupider shit than your friends would?

Because that is all New York is, right? People just wearing stupid shit on their bodies?

And today I am wearing an outfit that people keep saying looks nice. But I have a belt on the outside of my dress and sweater. That's dumb, because neither my dress nor my sweater need to be held up, thus there is no need for a belt. Yet, here I am, looking like an asshole, and other assholes complimenting me on it.

Nose and Office

2009-11-12T14:30:00.001-05:00

I am unabashedly picking my nose at my cube.

Apparently, I think that when I have my headphones on, no one can see me.

Quick update

2009-11-11T15:51:00.000-05:00

I have been sups busy at work, which is good and bad.

BUT! Really I wanted to share.

Boyfriend and I watched this awesome documentary yesterday.

King of Kong, A Fistful of Quarters

It's funny, and sad, and makes you angry. It's controversial. It's crazy good. You should watch it.

let's all be happier people

2009-11-04T10:55:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I saw two friends on U Street. One was leading the other one, who was blindfolded, to her surprise birthday party.

They were both so fucking happy.

The leading one mentioned cake on her cell phone, and the birthday girl sort of shrieked and got all giggly.

It was awesome. I am glad I got to see that.

Ask Boyfriend!

2009-11-03T15:05:00.001-05:00

Dear Boyfriend,

Does it trouble you when people can't answer their own simple questions?

Thanks,
Unconcerned

Dear Unconcerned,

Let's take a look at your ostensibly "simple" question in two parts, primarily at the assertion that people "can't answer their own simple questions." I posit that it is not because these people are realistically unable to find suitable responses within themselves, but rather that they are, by way of the act of asking, overtly sharing of themselves with the agent that they are asking. Implicit in their seeming incompetence is the cultural value placed upon human interaction and peer consensus in reaching a decision or finding truth, because an anti-social decision undermines group evolutionary fitness and "truth" is culturally relative. Does this phenomenon "trouble" me? It depends on how you define trouble. Do I end up going to the trouble of writing long-winded responses to relatively insignificant quandaries? Clearly. Am I emotionally troubled by the fact that people are somewhat dim-witted as individuals? Not in the slightest, they are my greatest ally as I seek to become the authoritative voice on all things in this world, the arbiter of knowledge and truth, and the largest spongy brain of facts atop a quivering heap of lesser brains.

Thank you,
Boyfriend

Will Power

2009-11-03T15:04:00.002-05:00

It's taking a lot of will power and endurance to not eat my lunch left overs right now.

Maybe I should put them on the floor so I don't keep looking at it.

Plus also, maybe I should fill up on some candy.

Project Dispatch

2009-11-01T15:32:00.000-05:00

Yoooooooooooooooos,

I just signed up for THIS!

It's where you subscribe to an artist for 3, 6, or 12 months. And they send you art in the mail.

WHAT?>!?!?! That's totally awesome, right? I mean getting a package is super dups exciting, but to have it be new art! I mean com'ons now, that's the best kind of mail you can get, besides that year Grams decided to give all the grandkids $1,500. Because that was also awesome mail.

But for realsy, never enough art. Never enough.

Right now we are subscribing to Elizabeth Graeber, and I think we might do Section V next.

Sweetly and as ever EXCITEDLY,
the real deal karin

Another reason I am getting old

2009-10-30T12:56:00.001-04:00

Another way I can tell I am getting old is that my parents are coming into town this weekend...

AND I AM SO EXCITED!!

Like really seriously excited to see my parents. And it's not just because they are bringing me birthday presents.

I like my parents, and I like spending time with them.

Go back 10 years and tell 16-year-old Karin that and she would have had the most sarcastic manipulative answer for you.

Something along the lines of "Oh, I am surprised my parents are even acknowledging me at 26, the way they treat me now its like I am some sort of criminal who has to "check in" when she is going somewhere and has a curfew. I thought by 26 they would have disowned me altogether."

Because I was a bitch! And insecure! And I took it out on everyone around me. But not now, well maybe I am still a little bitchy, and still super insecure, but I don't take it out on my parents any more because I am an A-DULT.

Fake Comment Friday!

2009-10-30T11:29:00.000-04:00

Fake comment friday is back!!! I am so sorry about the lapse.

Also here is a picture of Cat snuggling this morning:

Two pictures that made me tear up today

2009-10-29T15:58:00.000-04:00

Today, two pictures brought me to tears.

The first is form the New York Times story on the Obamas:

Barack and Michelle Obama in 1996. She was hesitant about his campaign but became his most energetic volunteer anyway, and she warmed everybody up — including him.

The second picture is a pumpkin that has been carved to look THE Death Star:

Life is so awesome today.

Stump the Punner!!

2009-10-29T15:52:00.001-04:00

[Sorry for the delay on this, apparently I have a real job that takes up time.]

Jello there, Jigglers! (This was cheap, and I admit that!)

This week's entry is short and sweet & sour because I'm stuck in work-life balance purgatory BUT lucky for youze guyze, I made a list of wordplays, worksheet-style. I apologize for the extremely Stretch Armstrong (he makes bracelets just like Lance...really flexible ones!) nature of this post:

On Feb. 14 this year, I'm toasting to Bobby Valentino, a British man who polices (definition 2: to make clean and put in order ) music, after my own heart!

(Interesting side note: Bobby Valentino, the American R&B artist goes by Bobby V or Bobby V-tino in the UK because there is another artist there who has been recording under the same name since 1975. Wikipedia said so! )

The McDonald's crime scene was covered in ketchup with fries buzzing all over the tender stripped chicken victims. The detective started to feel sick as he questioned the Hamburglar so he snapped, "We know you're responsible! Nugget to the point!"

I would imagine that a high-rollin' but family-oriented baller would write, "I do it for de guts & and de-lore-an also my mama but also my wunnerful, one-in-a-million girlfriend, de Laurie Ann." (Even I de-groaned loudly at dis one!)

The temperature in the room is at the Fahrenheit of blistering heat. I Smellcius something burning. Oh. It's my face. Time to read some Kelvin & Hobbes comics to get my mind off the pain and cool off.

Before he passed, Aaron Spelling named a highway after his daughter called Motori Spellway, but the DMV changed it to Motori Speedway after several Hollywood-you-please mo-tourists complained. (They also complained about this sentence.)

[Leave your challenges in the comments for next week and be prepared for results done in a touchy-feely, new-age (there is no wrong answer), time-crunchy granola way!]

Ask Boyfriend

2009-10-27T15:57:00.002-04:00

Dear Boyfriend,

Should I give beggers money?

Thanks,
Concerned

Dear Concerned,

If by "begger" then you mean a beggar, or a penniless wretch, then no, you should save your money for spelling lessons. All kidding aside, there is one thing that gives an uncommon perspective into just what level of squalor a human being has delved, and it is the shoes. In determining whether a mendicant is deserving of your alms, check out their footwear. Chances are, a guy with grimy nikes on is just a shady wino determined to find his next drink, whereas a man with swollen, mushroom-like appendages scantily swaddled in befouled rags may actually have a practical use for your spare change, like, and I'm just riffing here, surviving the onset of winter. This is not to belittle the plight of the homeless in general or set up a preferential hierarchy of needs amongst addicts on the street, but honestly, if you are going to give money to someone, it might as well be the one who looks as though they are barking up death's thorny bush. There's no telling how they will use it, or that their purple elephant feet will take precedence over their dipsomaniacal thirst for inebriating ambrosia, but there's always that chance.

Thank you,
Boyfriend

Ask Boyfriend

2009-10-27T15:56:00.001-04:00

Dear Boyfriend,

Any good book recommendations?

Best,
Needs something to read

Dear Needs Something to Read,

Are there any good recommendations out there, do I have any good recommendations, or are there any good books? The answers to your three possible questions, in that order are, probably, keep reading and most definitely. Let me offer you some suggestions in a few different genres along with a professional critic's take.

If you are at all into Tolkienesque "High Fantasy" (I shudder at the popular connotations of that label, being a devout reader of this type of thing) and not adverse to deep pits of familial depravity and sanguine gobs violence, consider reading George R.R. Martin's 'Song of Fire and Ice' series, and hey, you'll at least be ahead of the nerd-turned-cool curve because HBO is going to make it into a no doubt wildly successful television series. Time's Lev Grossman wrote this about Martin's series:

"What really distinguishes Martin, and what marks him as a major force for evolution in fantasy, is his refusal to embrace a vision of the world as a Manichaean struggle between Good and Evil. Tolkien's work has enormous imaginative force, but you have to go elsewhere for moral complexity. Martin's wars are multifaceted and ambiguous, as are the men and women who wage them and the gods who watch them and chortle, and somehow that makes them mean more. A Feast for Crows isn't pretty elves against gnarly orcs. It's men and women slugging it out in the muck, for money and power and lust and love."

For those interested in more "literary" works, I would direct you towards the late Chilean author Roberto Bolaño's '2666', a dense, 1000+ page novel of mystery, violence, and a modern degrading world tottering on the brink of mystical apocalypse centered on the fictional small town of Santa Teresa, Mexico. It may be helpful before reading 2666 to note that Bolaño wrote it in a race against his own death as an attempt to provide for the future of his family, then again, maybe not, although it acquires yet more subtle flavors of darkness in its contemplation of wealth and pain. Adam Kirsch from Slate puts it thusly,

"2666 is an epic of whispers and details, full of buried structures and intuitions that seem too evanescent, or too terrible, to put into words. It demands from the reader a kind of abject submission—to its willful strangeness, its insistent grimness, even its occasional tedium—that only the greatest books dare to ask for or deserve."

Lastly I will leave you with one of my personal favorites, which is often classified in the Gibsonian "Cyberpunk" genre, Neal Stephenson's 'Snow Crash.' Thematically, it incorporates computer programming, linguistics, anthropology, archaeology, and cryptography, themes which anyone who knows me can attest that I will, when slightly intoxicated, expound upon at length. Stephenson actually popularized the term Avatar as a digital representation of the self with this book. The following is how Timothy Leary described it:

"A fantastic, slam-bang-overdrive, supersurrealistic, comic-spooky whirl through a tomorrow that is already happening. Neal Stephenson is intelligent, perceptive, hip and will become a major force in American writing."

Thank you,
Boyfriend

Ask Boyfriend

2009-10-27T12:45:00.002-04:00

Dear Boyfriend,

When is the appropriate time to let your parents know about a new boyfriend/girlfriend in the relationship?

XOXO,
Gossip Girl

Dear Gossip Girl,

Unfortunately the answer to this question is influenced by a number of factors that I can't easily discern from an anonymous internet comment, such as economic class, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, parental sanity level, weather, homeopathic tendencies, pets, and cereal preference. That being said, your question is "When is the appropriate time..." which is essentially asking for a temporal estimate as to when your parents will be least likely to disapprove of your relationship. My simple answer to that is you should do so when they are most busy and least emotionally distraught. For working parents this would be at 3:28PM on a Thursday, when they most likely have a fair amount of work to finish before the weekend but are in that blissful state that is only achievable towards the end of the week when there is a leisure day in sight. For the retired parents out there, let them know via email at 7:39AM on a Saturday, coincidentally when they are tooling around a Sicilian harbor in a hired dinghy, trust me, at this point they haven't given less of a shit about you since before you were born. For those with a parent/parents who have recently been laid off the aforementioned busy/distraught strategy isn't viable as they are never busy and always distraught, so just wait until 11AM on a Sunday when they've sunken into that drunken stupor of melancholy and self-recrimination, and they will tear up just thinking about how, really, anyone out there can really find happiness and (hiccough...) self-worth doesn't have to come from gainful employment, so you go out there an you love, please, do it for your old man, please, at which point they've fallen asleep and won't remember a thing.

Thank you,
Boyfriend

Ask Boyfriend

2009-10-27T12:19:00.002-04:00

Dear Boyfriend,

What should I be for Halloween? The previous two years I went as Clark Kent and the "Brawny Man" (the lumberjack on the Brawny brand paper towels).

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

In order to properly answer your question, I need to know if you went as Clark Kent or as Superman, and if the former, did you have a superman costume on underneath your unassuming suit and contraceptive eyeglasses? Your answer will speak to your dedication to costume minutia, not to mention adherence to Metropolis cannon. In any case, there are certain extrapolations that can be made on assumptions about your previous choices. I commend you on choosing costumes that are easily achieved without veering from the contents of an average man's closet, and will attempt to offer an option that won't necessitate any additional purchases on your part and will fit with the musclebound Caucasian everyman theme you have been running with. I propose you go as Ray 'Tiny' Jackson(Donald Gibb), the irascible giant sidekick of Jean Claude Van Damme's character in the seminal film "Bloodsport." This costume requires only blue jeans, a vaguely yokel black t-shirt (Harley Davidson would be best), a light blue Jacket and an unrelenting willingness to bodily reinforce the stereotype of Ugly American upon a melange of hackneyed ethnic types from every corner of the globe. For the especially intrepid costumer, consider going in a wheel chair as Tiny Jackson post near-fatal-encounter-with-

badass-Asian-dude-of-culturally-indeterminate-origins.

Thank you,
Boyfriend

Weekend!!!

2009-10-26T10:23:00.002-04:00

This weekend the girl who sits next to me got engaged.

I got an HD Flip Cam!

You decide who wins.

25 going on death

2009-10-21T10:29:00.000-04:00

Last year, when I was turning form 24 years old to 25 I fought it so hard. 25 took me dragging and kicking and screaming and maybe even crying.

Now, here I am again, another October. And I am going to turn 26 at the end of the month.

And you know what? I give up. I have accepted this slow march towards death.

I bought some eye de-wrinkler the other day just as a full embrace of my oldness.

I get really bad hangovers now.

And I have aches and pains I can't explain.

I am obsessed with my fiber in take.

I see teenagers being loud, and I want them to knock off that racket.

Boyfriend and I played cribbage over the weekend. And we do crossword puzzles.

I AM OLD. And that is life.

Ask Boyfriend

2009-10-20T13:58:00.002-04:00

Dear Boyfriend,

How do you carve a pumpkin?

Thanks!
New to holidays

Dear New to Holidays,

You have hit upon one of my favorite yearly traditions, perhaps second only to the wanton gluttony of Thanksgiving. While my skills as an artist are debatable, I am a passable draftsman and inevitably, when All Hallows Eve rolls around I tend to get quite excited and overly ambitious about the impending squash dissection. Each year I conceive of ever more complicated designs that have ended in abject failure as often as resounding success. Take my last three years of pumpkin perforation. 2007 was a logo of a sports franchise, replete with all artistic flourishes that in the end undermined all structural support and thusly created a yawning abyss dead center, failure. 2008 was a cherubic little demon with barbed trident, pointy tail and adorable horns, and with extensive planning (more on this below) it turned out perfectly. This year I contemplated a few options; first, a logo of a different sports team, but decided that the gaping-void syndrome that plagued my earlier efforts was bound to repeat itself, not to mention the somewhat unimaginative quality to such a choice. My second thought, which struck when I was at the pumpkin patch, was a lovingly crafted map of the world reaching around the entire pumpkin, necessitating a plump, globular canvass. I picked just such a beast, weighing no less than 31 lbs. Had I done the prep work that I did last year, this would have been an entirely feasible idea and undoubtedly been sung of in dulcet tones of awe for generations to come as part of Boyfriend Lore. Unfortunately I did not, but the good news is I believe my pumpkin came out fine this year albeit not as I had originally anticipated.

The key to success in pumpkin carving is all in the planning. Well, planning along with an unwavering hand, uncompromising faith in one's own skill and a conviction of preeminence among humankind's pantheon of artistry, to be precise. My 2008 success hinged upon a few steps and some essential material considerations. I first created my vision in photoshop, contemplating carefully what parts would be negative space, thus lit by the candle, and essential to the design coming out properly. Once done with that, I determined what size print would fit well on my pumpkin, printed it, cut out the relevant portion and affixed it to my pumpkin with a series of pins. With a smallish marker, I then outlined the paper and subsequently removed it, leaving a trail for my intrepid hands to follow with the edged weapon of my choice. For the occasion I had purchased a relatively inexpensive but ultimately fantastic tool for carving, an art knife with removable blades, along with a selection of curved and straight blades. The straight blades were essential for getting the initial cuts in, where I cut from different vertices along straight lines within the bounds of the portion to be cut out, then followed the outline with my rounded blades to effectively remove the negative portion in small chunks. Viola! With some minimal cleaning of ragged cuts you are done.

This year I had something of a Halloween revelation, that I should simply freehand a whimsical if somewhat scary face and go at it with a steak knife, something of a childhood renaissance complete with all the sliced fingers and immediate regrets. This is also a completely viable alternative to the measured approach I described before and would have saved you all the time it took to read it.The following are a couple of pictures of my pumpkin (left) beside that of the blogess, both in light and darkness.

Thank you,
Boyfriend

[ED Note: I made a CAT!]

Morning

2009-10-14T10:11:00.004-04:00

You know you are well hydrated when you are taking your morning pee, and Boyfriend asks if you are taking a shower.

What? I am on this cleanse diet where I need to drink a lot of water!

NEVER too much information!

You guyses are lucking out that I haven't been telling you about cleanse diet poops.

Lunch

2009-10-13T13:28:00.002-04:00

Just found what appears to be a hair, perhaps pubic, in my soup. So, that's the end of that.

Ask Boyfriend!

2009-10-13T12:50:00.003-04:00

Dear Boyfriend,

How long should I wait to kiss a boy so Karin doesn't call me a whore?

XOXO,
Newly Single

Dear Newly Single,

In light of your question, I suspect it is somewhat disingenuous of you to so casually direct a string of amorous signifiers at someone who's very appellation speaks to romantic inaccessibility due to prior commitments. Speaking of X's and O's, I find it hard to believe that Karin would call a friend a whore in any situation except one where the term was explicitly accurate (pun intended Punner, pun intended), i.e. one where said friend was literally exchanging sexual interaction for money. With that cleared up, your question becomes: what is the time span required to wait before becoming intimate with a stranger lest your compatriots deem the interaction unseemly? The answer is how much you desire someone relative to the value you place on what your friends believe of you also taking into account how long you were with your previous significant other. I have developed an equation to deal with this:

PHSMS ÷ CIJFFI x YR = AWBA

This may seem complicated, so let's put into practice.

Say you place a person at a 7 on the Please Have Sex with Me Scale (PHSMS, 1-10, 10 being highest), and you rate your Consciousness of Image as Jezebel with Friends and Family Index at a modest 5 (CIJFFI, 1-10, 10 being least concerned). Given that you had been with your previous lover for let's say 3 years (Years of Relationship, YR, positive integer), the equation to determine the Amount of Weeks Before Appropriateness would be:
7 ÷ 5 x 3 which equals 4.2 AWBA or 29.4 Days Before Appropriateness.

Thank you,
Boyfriend

Ask Boyfriend!

2009-10-13T11:46:00.002-04:00

Dear Boyfriend,

What is the best type of Halloween costume: Slutty, Scary, Funny, or Current Event?

Thanks,
Slutty Pumpkin

Dear Slutty Pumpkin,

While I am tempted simply pick one of the options you present I believe that such a response would not adequately address the veritable cornucopia of Halloween costumes out there. Truth be told, there is no best choice available in your list, rather a not so subtle blending of all four is called for to reach the apex of costuming. One such melange for the women out there could be a zombie Tina Fey as Sarah Palin wearing lingerie, perfectly mixing all four aspects into one shambling, hilarious, sexy parody of a costume that would be discussed in hushed awe around the water cooler for nigh on a generation to come. For men not averse to airing out their junk perhaps a Mark Sanford look, replete with Argentina flag thong, southern twang and politico-wife with some semblance of a backbone. For those of you doubting the horror involved in this costume, please acquaint yourself with the fine pelt of hair decorating the average man's buttocks.

Thank you,
Boyfriend

Ask Boyfriend

2009-10-13T11:07:00.001-04:00

Yes okay and hello there boyfriend and I have a question okay; what is the deal with all these hollyworthnothins getting record deals? Isnt it bad enough that we have to see them on our motion picture boxes? Cant they just shut up and get going and leave and go and get out of here and get already?

Josephine

Dear Josephine,

In point of fact, you have three questions, okay, all pertaining to the pandemic rash of actor-turned-musician syndrome, including but not limited to such notables as Kevin Bacon, Jeff Bridges, Kevin Costner, Robert Downey Jr., and this one is completely baffling, Wayne Brady. Your first question deals with "the deal" of these actors getting record deals, and succinctly, the deal is just that, a deal. Struggling music labels are more than happy to ink contracts with celebrities in order to foist such tripe as "White Knuckles" by The Bacon Brothers on an unsuspecting public with the hopes of reaping financial windfall through the dubious and decidedly one-sided relationship between name recognition and musical talent.

The second question in your trio deals with your perception that the entertainer's "music" will be as categorically awful as their celluloid work, specifically whether or not it is "bad enough" that we must consume the latter and are subsequently confronted by the former. My problem with this assertion-disguised-as-

question is that you assume that "we have to" do anything. You, my dear, are not constrained by any natural law dictating that you must watch The Postman in its entirety, much less listen to all twelve tracks of "Untold Truths" by Kevin Costner & Modern West. I understand that there are some special scenarios wherein one is forced to ingest their nauseating goulash and I can commiserate. Take for example this past week when I was unfortunate enough to be out sick from work and perforce required to watch daytime television for several hours. I caught an episode of the now ubiquitous Ellen Degeneres' show, and sat through a performance of material off the new co-album by Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson. Whatever else might be said about Mr. Yorn, he has at least a modicum of musical aptitude, the same however can not be said of Ms. Johansson. I have never seen such a beautiful woman look and sound as though she were a mangy jackrabbit struggling vainly in the clutches of a ravenous harpy eagle. I'll be frank here, there was no pathos to be found, only the eviscerating schadenfreude of natural comeuppance.

Your third question is somewhat hard to decipher, but is actually easily answered. Nope, no way, uh-uh, never, at least not until we as a culture stop feeding fuel to the raging infernos of celebrity ego and doling out currency in exchange for sub par musical manifestations of that very ego.

Thank you,
Boyfriend

STUMP THE PUNNER!!!

2009-10-08T15:25:00.003-04:00

Aten-hut Bravehearted Soldiers on a Fantastic Voyeuge!

So I must address the stickler-in-the-mud who hip checked me last week (i.e., checked up on whether I am hip) as to my broad usage (and I don't just mean female) of what does and does not constitute a pun.

Our founding fathers, stepdads, sugar pops, and papi chulos did not put all their paychecks and child support into this nation in order to see the English language massacred, in the process removing the mass 'o cred it's built up o'er the years and throughout the high school yearbooks (KIT! Have a great summer! Stay sweet!).

ThereFORE! (*wild swing in attempt to regain focus*) I fully sadmit that I have been operating under a Amazon-wide definition of wordplay, wherein all paronomasia derivatives, second cousins, and ex-godbrothers (now atheists) can apply for permanent good citizenship under the pseudonicknym of "pun."

If you would claim that this citizenship (the Lady Liberty) is sinking your good graces, then let's heave ho, and anchors away, me boys! No need to Ti-panic. Let's all hold hands and hope we make it back to the Kumbayou in time to join Gumbo and friends.

That being wheel-spoken, here is a textbook crumb for the birds:

The sparrows and crows use pigeon language to communicate, which mostly involves one of two responses: "coo" or "uncoo."

And a flying saucer of milk for the traditionalist kittens:

The alley cats prefer their fur rumpy and arched to prepare for street fights while the deli cats prefer their fur soft and smooth to prepare for petting.

Time to put away the hobby horse and return to less animalcontent trivial pursuits! TTY haterz!

Parnold SchwarzeNAGGER

[REMINDER: Leave your words for next week in the comments!]

Quick Note from Josephine

2009-10-07T15:50:00.000-04:00

Jopsehine apologizes for the brevity today. Her sciatica is acting up again. And she has been waiting at the doctor's office all morning.

Okay, yes okay gang so in the middle of the yuck factory known as Los Angel-less there is one glimmer of hope in a young man named Zac Efron. Okay, talented. Okay do yourselves a favor and check out a delightful little picture called 17 Again http://17againmovie.com/. Yes, heartstrings are pulled okay and in no small thanks to this young, fit, charming, polite, hearty young piece of lad, okay right. So. Well he was obviously raised right, that much is clear. Okay. Well the rest of you jerks could really learn something from him okay! Ya numbheads.

Oh gutter mittens I left the toaster on. Great. Okay well get outta here and goodbye then.

Ughles

2009-10-07T12:11:00.000-04:00

You guyses, I think I may have made another classic Karen Hammberry poor decision.

I am signed up to do stand-up tomorrow. AH! What was/am I thinking?

Well, I'll tell you what I was/am thinking. That I will be a smashing success and then get my own sitcom, IMMEDIATELY. Off of my 5 minute set in the basement of a hotel.

No, not really. I know I will probs bomb, and then Boyfriend will tell me that I did great and that I am pretty.

But I am turning old at the end of the month. And life is about taking risks, right? RIGHT?!

Love!

2009-10-07T11:37:00.000-04:00

You know what I love more than anything? Using hyperboles.

Ask Boyfriend!

2009-10-06T11:58:00.001-04:00

Dear Boyfriend,Are skinny jeans a passing fad or a new fashion staple?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

If by "skinny jeans" you mean pants made of denim that taper down to size at the ankle thus making the entire extent of the leg tight to skin, then no, I do not see them fading entirely from our collective closets in the immediate future. Whether or not they will remain à la mode is somewhat more uncertain, but I suspect that so long as thinness is a desirable quality in appearance, articles of clothing that bestow a measure of such will retain their allure.

Your question does, however, deserve further critical inquisition on a broader scale. Fashion, as a cultural phenomenon, shares much with the concept of glacial ages, with certain inevitability in rise and fall, albeit on the much more minuscule scale of human existence vis-à-vis that of earth's geological history. Not only do trends in fashion wax and wane, the overall import of appearance in a given culture is inexorably linked to that societies' level of leisure beyond day to day subsistence, a measure of "civilization" if you will. Like the next glacial age, fashion is endangered by global warming. In the scenario of apocalypse as brought on by the myriad symptoms of global warming, fashion will initially fall away as a concern of the survivors. Not only fashion, but our cultural love of thinness shall be cast off, replaced by a need to carry a certain amount of life-giving energy about our persons in the form of a layer of fat. We shall indeed look up to those with the cunning and wherewithal to find enough food to put on weight. If these intrepid remnants of our once-proud social order manage to stave off death's chilly grasp and mutant wombats long enough to reassert some semblance of society and viable progeny, then at some point fashion will again flower in their minds. Although at that point fashion may manifest itself more in the ability to successfully rediscover the lost art of loom-building and covering of our collective naughty bits than in distinctive physical raiment, but I digress. Furthermore, nature, once free of the cancerous legions of humanity, shall heal itself eventually and one day bring about another ice age, thus tidily tying up my fashion-as-cyclical-natural-process-not-unlike-glacial-ages theory.

Thank you,
Boyfriend

Website everyone already knows about

2009-10-05T17:12:00.003-04:00

xkcd.com

yeah, i am going to say it

2009-10-02T12:00:00.001-04:00

This Polanski shit is blowing my mind.

Rape is rape.

Should we go through all the prisons in the United States full of convicted rapists and decide whether or not they could make wonderful art? And then release the ones we think have potential?

No, we shouldn't because they are rapists, and guess what? So, is Polanski.

Grow a pair, people, and admit rape is rape .

Here again

2009-10-02T11:25:00.000-04:00

Oh look, here we are again.

Another week has gone by. And here we sit again. Me in my cube at my desk, you where ever you are when you read this.

So another week, another seven days of our lives have gone by.

I accomplished:

getting sick
watching tyra
some work
obligatory poop comment

What about you? What did you use your seven days of life for?

Also Fake Comment Friday, biiiiiiiiitches.

It only gets worse

2009-10-01T15:40:00.000-04:00

Not only am I still sick, but today on Tyra the topic is "Girls kissing in bars."

And now this one girl is in love with this other one because they triple kiss in public for free drinks.

AAAAAH!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!!?!?

STUMP THE PUNNER!!

2009-10-01T13:04:00.000-04:00

Hello Fellow Hot Tamales,

On this auspiciest occasion of the fourth pun blorgy, I would hope that you are wearing your most business-casual bibs because we are nothing if not Professionals (think Natalie Portman, pre-Star Wars).

However, due to a deficit of word subMission Impossibles (think Tom Cruise, pre-couch jumping), I will be deliciousting this tasty blog from its sock puppet throne and bidding high on the Goodbye at the BooHoo auction.

Better luck next crime!

Toodles Poodles,

Arfparna

[REMINDER! Leave your challenges for the next week in the comments!]

Josephine's Thoughts on Pop Culture

2009-09-30T16:12:00.002-04:00

Fiddle de rats and a horde of dingbats, okay so it’s been another banner week staring our favorite jerks! Guess I’ll catch my break on the other side, okay. Great.

Whoa heavens okay so I guess the congressional committee of holly-easy passed a law that made wearing your under slacks optional! Gesh. Yuck. Ugh, gosh okay and I say I know of our usual slutspects, (Lindsay they’re-on-loan, Paris-is-where-you-should-stay, and Britney Spear-to-the-eye) but this time, oh brother did we ever get an eye full from a so you think you can show me your tid bits while I am trying to enjoy a restful evening on the davenport for once. Well congratulations, you scored a 10 in get outta here and put some clothes on department. Geeeeeeah.

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b146744_you_think_you_can_flash_your_crotch_on.html

Oh and sure thing, okay. I would love to hear more about your life, Tori Spelling disaster everywhere you go. I don’t like looking at your face okay and I don’t need to hear what comes out of your yapper either, alright so just go away. Yeah, and my stomach hurts too but I don’t think a trip to the hospital is the ticket okay. Less of you would do and your husband too okay. So take your boring bucket of who cares and get.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/29/tori-spelling-felled-by-s_n_303583.html

Ahhhhh now whose uncle do I have to cry to ta stop hearing about this Roman Polansicko. Okay gross. Now we all know someone who has taken some liberties for the sake of their diddle needs so why cant everyone just shut up about it, okay. By the way, okay hey Floyd, you left your front tire in my kitchen okay, ya big jerk. Oh and I have been enjoying my broken hot water tank too, ya sack of mistakes and heartbreaks. Just get to go and shut up about it already.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/30/sharon-tates-sister-sex-w_n_304042.html

Okay. Ah jez, my programs are about to start. That’s enough for one week. Get lost.

Unthinkable

2009-09-30T15:09:00.000-04:00

The Unthinkable has happened.

I have watched five consecutive minutes of the Tyra show.

This shit is crazy stupid.

Its about people who cheat on their partners, and now Tyra has a jury of peers from the audience who will decide the fate of their relationship.

But there's clearly no point in having a jury of peers from the audience, because Tyra is judge jury top model and jesus all up in this shiz-nit.

Bad Timing

2009-09-30T08:35:00.000-04:00

It is very bad timing when you go home sick from work because you have flu type symptoms, including an upset tummy. And it just so happens to be the same day your building turned off the water for maintenance.

Sicko.

Ask Boyfriend

2009-09-29T20:27:00.000-04:00

Dear Boyfriend,
I'm going to start looking for new jobs. I want something that will allow me to work 9-5 ish and give me health insurance. I also don't want much responsibility. And I want to be rich. Can you find me a position?
Thanks!

Dear Anonymous Job Seeker,

I can answer the actual query in your correspondence quite succinctly: No, I can't find you a position.

Why, you ask. Because, while Ask Boyfriend is an ever-flowing fount of wisdom in all matters, I must needs remind you that I am somewhat bound by the temporal strictures of a life not entirely consumed by this blog and column. What I can do however is attempt to elucidate the significance behind the language of your question, thus propelling you upon a trajectory that shall net meaningful results. Let us break down the distinct qualifications you long for in a position.

First, you reference a time frame that you find desirable, "9-5 ish". It would have been useful to include an AM/PM distinction here, but since we don't generally live in a nocturnal realm of vampiric delights, I will go ahead and assume that you mean 9AM to 5PM, informing me that you are most comfortable with a highly-structured schedule that conforms to that of the majority of the working population of any sizable metropolitan area. The "ish" portion of your qualification is telling, in so far as it speaks to a certain underlying desire to escape that very rigid timetable that you supplied. It is a small thing, currently huddled in darkness, shivering with fear of change, but once it catches some small whiff of pungent abnormality you may find yourself basking in the glory of preternatural work hours.

Second, you aim for employment that comes with health insurance. I can't speak against this from a practical standpoint, but I believe it does indeed speak to a certain practicality in your nature that desires stability and rejects the uncertainty that makes the uninsured so full of life. Third, you don't want "much" responsibility. The key word here is the one I just wrapped in quotes, much, where you tip your hand as to believing at least in some respect in your abilities and believe yourself capable of some modicum of responsibility, but are ostensibly actively choosing to eschew that very responsibility which you find yourself equal to. Fourth, you want to be rich, which is an interesting statement in that it implies a level of wealth beyond just a comfortable one.

Good god, I just wasted all of my time writing such a long-winded, pointless diatribe about the form that your question took, and certainly wasted your time if you are still reading it. I could have just found you an appropriate job... which I have now done. Did you know that you can make 60k working 35 hours a week as a Legal Secretary? I know that is not "rich" but let's face it, are you rich material?

Thank you.
Boyfriend

[Ed Note: Submit your questions in the comments for next week!]

Ask Boyfriend #2

2009-09-29T13:05:00.001-04:00

Dear Boyfriend,

Do you think I dropped my toast with peanut butter face down on my pants this morning because it is the autumnal equinox?

Latoya Jackson could not say so I am asking you.

Thank you,

Libra with slight tendencies of Gemini

Dear Libra with slight tendencies of Gemini,

In order to fully investigate the celestial happenstance that might be at root of your terrible ordeal, we must first clear up some apparent confusion of vernacular. Unless you have a strange cultural reason for calling exactly 5:18pm EST September 22nd 2009 "morning" or live in Adelaide, then you are referring not to the autumnal "equinox", but rather to the autumnal "equilux." Equilux is the proper term when referring to the 24 hour span which, given the heliocentric nature of our universe and the tilt our planet's axis, is when we have exactly 12 hours of darkness followed by 12 of light (assuming of course you are far enough away from the equator to have differential seasonal shifts in light/dark). So to para-rephrase, you are asking if the Autumnal Equilux could be responsible for the sequence of dire events that led to you having peanut butter all over your crotch.

No, not in slightest, it's a preposterous suggestion steeped in misconceptions and myths about periodic alignments of earth and sun, altogether more suited to a back-alley palmistry than any educated discourse. No, if you ask me, your peanut butter pants are the result of the combination of your deteriorating manual dexterity and gluttonous consumption.

Thank you,
Boyfriend

Ask Boyfriend

2009-09-29T12:43:00.003-04:00

I have an ask Boyfriend question. I have a cold and I do not want it. How should I get rid of it. Rule out orange juice and tea because I don't like those things.

Thank you,

Snotnose

Dear Snotnose,

While I could launch into an exposé of time honored, mystic traditions, dating back to Shang dynasty era China, involving ravenous consumption of near-extinct species, I would rather examine your situation in the context of a Snotnose preferential hierarchy. So, rather than prescribing a steady dose of intravenous South Chinese tiger testicles, I would recommend that you ask yourself the following question. Do you prefer being afflicted with the common cold and endlessly searching for a proverbial silver bullet or consumption of easily accessible, well-founded remedies that are somewhat unpalatable to your bizarre tastes? Honestly, who doesn't really like orange juice and tea?

Boyfriend.

--Followup Question--

Dear Mr. Boyfriend,
I am deathly allergic to orange juice, tea, carbonated beverages of any kind, alcoholic beverages of any kind, water and air. The only thing I can reasonably drink is motor oil. Will this help my cold?

Waiting,
immediate response

Dear Immediate Response,

Motor oil will certainly not help your cold, although when you are at the point that you are allergic to basic necessities for human existence I would hazard a guess that you have more serious concerns than a case of the sniffles.
Thank you,

Boyfriend

Fake Comment Friday!

2009-09-25T10:33:00.000-04:00

It's here you guys! It's here! Fake Comment Friday!!!

But firstly, I would like to say a few things.

1. Thank you so much for everyone who auditioned for Caveat. You were all lovely morsels of improv, and I was so happy to see you. And I am oh-so sorry that we cannot get our final decision to you faster.

2. Mythical Newsroom has a show up in THE New York City on Sats-urday.
The Red Room
East Vilalge
10:30 pm

Also, there are some new pictures up on there.

3. And lastly, yesterday I made a poor choice. Someone was like "would you like to drink beer?" And I was all: Yes.

But I had laundry to do. And I did not do the laundry, instead I drank the beer.

Looks like I am still 25, you guyses, and making poor life decisions that will leave me dirty and hungover on a Friday.

The problem being, I think I will always chose the beer, friends, laughing, fun time over the stupid, dumb, boring laundry. How and when will this change for me? Will it be painful? Because I think I have a pretty high pain tolerance, although how do you ever compare that? And if you knew you were getting tested for your pain threshold you would probably hold out a little longer, right? I would, but that's because I can get super competitive, which is another issue altogether.

But really, when is this adulthood thing going to happen?

Chapter Two

2009-09-25T10:23:00.004-04:00

She watched that persnickety little girl leave her classroom. And she just bawled her eyes out.

What’s wrong with me? Pull it together Denise, pull IT TOGETHER.

But instead of pulling it together she put her head down on the desk and sobbed, while her body heaved up and down.

No one gives a shit about me. I am going to turn into that nasty old teacher that always has chalk on her butt, and no one tells her.

Was the door open?

Denise jerked her head around. The door was open. But the kids in the hallway walked right by, as if they had somewhere important to go, and they couldn’t be bothered by the fact that their teacher’s life was in ruins.

She stared as their little bodies motoring around the corridor. Smiling and giggling. All happy about life and whatnot.

Just wait, she thought. Just wait until you are older. Just wait until you have to move back in with your parents. Just wait until you are working at some grade school an hour away. Just wait until all your friends are living in Minneapolis, and you are stuck out in the boonies. Just wait until your life goes down the fucking drain.

Denise definitely thought fucking. It was actually a little surprising that she hadn’t dropped an f-bomb in class yet. Not that they were listening anyways.

STUMP THE PUNNER!!!

2009-09-24T12:00:00.005-04:00

Greetings Hallmark Evites,

Hark close with your hawrk eyes. Ima let you finish whatev's it was you was doing that was not as importante than this so lemme just say dis(s):
It's Miller high time to couple up every last bit of sass in my body and board it up on Noah's Snark, and send it sailing with a sharp pat on the Biblical bum through the maelstrom of opinions known as the Internet back to the Free but Fascist World of Anonymous Commenting (cruise shipping & handling fees sincluded).

I'll preach it loud and proud, you guys fo really brought it this week! Hallelu-yeah you did! It was a too blessed to be stressed kick in the miraculo (bilinguality, whaaaat).

All y'all delivered hot, fast, and strong on the toppings for me to whip up some verbal DeGiorno(-you-din't-just-do- some-blatant-product-placement-four-times-so-close-yet-so-far) pizzas, Chicahgo deep delish-style. I went de-seriously crazy for all of 'em.

You sharpooned my heart with your razor quips & submission statements, land blubber though I may be.

Aw and B4 I gaw, Here's what I gotta say about the freakonomy. The financial state of things is a Predator (the original), with some additional (as opposed to subtractional) versa-style skillz such as a bomb-nivorous diet (South Beach, Grapefruit, Atkins, any and all stomach explosions/ulcers/Pepto Dismal effects caused by stress), an Uzi-quitous life-ruining ability (think dangerous, unbridled, paranoia-inducing everywhere at once but generally discreditable, i.e., Burmese juntabloids or TMZ), and the raw exposed tendon-cy to foreclose for the day right when you were craving a settlement sandwich on the house and a soda pop pop Snapple cap in the butt of the brain fun fact.

Happily however after though, things will look Up (in the manner of a wise Pixar film for all ages) and at 'em soon enough, but in the nicetime, play gentle and worsh yer hands and hand-me-downs. Make the flu come down with you before you come down with it; I'm totally vaccerious.

Adieu and P U (Who just posted a fart instead of a comment!?!),
Mademoiselle-Out

[ED NOTE: REMEMBER TO LEAVE YOUR WORDS IN THE COMMENTS FOR NEXT WEEK!]

Josephine's Thoughts on Pop Culture!

2009-09-23T15:41:00.003-04:00

Ah jeez with a coating of cheese, looks we’ll have to wait another week to catch a break from the tinsel town of idiots. Hey, okay jerks, thanks for bringing a pile bologna to the breakfast table but I’m full!

Okay, here’s to you Hollyworthless execs for pulling the plug on the only good thing to grace the tv picture box is 50 years. Yeah, okay so The Guiding Light was the one hour a day when I didn’t have worry about loud mouths jerks talking outta turn or mouthy wanna-bees blabin about their botoxications. Oh boy, aint it something. If I might get personal for a second okay, Reva and Josh okay, good luck to ya. Okay. You’re winners in my book okay. And too C BS is right, get outta here. I’m done with ya. Get. Go. Jeeez.

Oh glory to the sickos heres one that’s really got me riled up. That Mackenzie Phillips okay. Gross. Listen okay, so you were dealt a hand of weird. Who wasn’t okay. That doesn’t mean ya go on a world wide blab tour okay. Zip it. We’re grossed out looking at you okay. Picturing you in a hopped up haze a blaze doing the humpty wall fall with your papas is more than any breathing creature should have to endure okay. Ya put ick in sick and I think it’s time you follow that California Dream right into the pacific okay. Yuck. Get going. Zip it or flip it. Out. Go.

Eh gosh. And just when you think the yuck bucket is full, here comes a drop of Hasselhoff-his meds. Go. You’re a jerk with a textbook smirk and we’re done with you okay. You’re a drunk, okay. So do as we do keep the game on the home turf. Okay if you can’t stand don’t try to lead the band, okay. Get out. Shut it down. Get to going. Good.

Yeck. Okay yes, this is Josephine saying get going cause we don’t care. Goodbye.

Coffee

2009-09-23T11:41:00.000-04:00

I miss my morning coffee when it's gone. And I leave the empty cup on my desk, just to trick my future self into thinking I have some more. And by future self I mean me in like 20 seconds.

I have tootsie rolls at my desk, and this morning while getting ready for work I thought about them and how I was going to eat them when I get in. Mission Accomplished!

I have a bad habit at home, which is part of my qualification for Worst Girlfriend Ever. I leave food out of the fridge. I will leave milk or butter out on the counter. Sometimes I think I will come back for more shortly and then forget. But most of the time I think it's that I have become so excited about what I am putting into my body that I completely forget that it had a container before me.

Ask Boyfriend

2009-09-22T14:42:00.001-04:00

Dear Boyfriend,

Why did no one ask you a question this week?

-Boyfriend

Dear Boyfriend,

The principle aim of your question is to illuminate the reasoning behind the readers' lack of enthusiasm for the highly touted "Ask Boyfriend" feature this week, and unfortunately I am as mystified as you are as to their motives. Perhaps the earlier glut of Ask Boyfriend questions and answers has led to an enlightenment fatigue of sorts, wherein those readers are inexplicably beset by a desire to not have their world succinctly demystified. We here at Ask Boyfriend believe in a grand dialogue twixt reader and writer, not unlike the relationship between God and heathen, where a glorious light is shed on the impenetrable darkness of this world by a bearded man on high gently massaging his flock's awareness to some semblance of existential consciousness.

In layman's terms, what the fuck guys?

-Boyfriend