Ask Boyfriend

Yes okay and hello there boyfriend and I have a question okay; what is the deal with all these hollyworthnothins getting record deals? Isnt it bad enough that we have to see them on our motion picture boxes? Cant they just shut up and get going and leave and go and get out of here and get already?
   
Josephine


Dear Josephine,

In point of fact, you have three questions, okay, all pertaining to the pandemic rash of actor-turned-musician syndrome, including but not limited to such notables as Kevin Bacon, Jeff Bridges, Kevin Costner, Robert Downey Jr., and this one is completely baffling, Wayne Brady. Your first question deals with "the deal" of these actors getting record deals, and succinctly, the deal is just that, a deal. Struggling music labels are more than happy to ink contracts with celebrities in order to foist such tripe as "White Knuckles" by The Bacon Brothers on an unsuspecting public with the hopes of reaping financial windfall through the dubious and decidedly one-sided relationship between name recognition and musical talent.

The second question in your trio deals with your perception that the entertainer's "music" will be as categorically awful as their celluloid work, specifically whether or not it is "bad enough" that we must consume the latter and are subsequently confronted by the former. My problem with this assertion-disguised-as-

question is that you assume that "we have to" do anything. You, my dear, are not constrained by any natural law dictating that you must watch The Postman in its entirety, much less listen to all twelve tracks of "Untold Truths" by Kevin Costner & Modern West. I understand that there are some special scenarios wherein one is forced to ingest their nauseating goulash and I can commiserate. Take for example this past week when I was unfortunate enough to be out sick from work and perforce required to watch daytime television for several hours. I caught an episode of the now ubiquitous Ellen Degeneres' show, and sat through a performance of material off the new co-album by Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson. Whatever else might be said about Mr. Yorn, he has at least a modicum of musical aptitude, the same however can not be said of Ms. Johansson. I have never seen such a beautiful woman look and sound as though she were a mangy jackrabbit struggling vainly in the clutches of a ravenous harpy eagle. I'll be frank here, there was no pathos to be found, only the eviscerating schadenfreude of natural comeuppance.

Your third question is somewhat hard to decipher, but is actually easily answered. Nope, no way, uh-uh, never, at least not until we as a culture stop feeding fuel to the raging infernos of celebrity ego and doling out currency in exchange for sub par musical manifestations of that very ego.

Thank you,
Boyfriend