Tuesday, March 07, 2006

yo onion!!!! check this article out...

i wrote this. and wanted to submit it to the onion, but i guess they don't really do things like that. sigh...

Girl Gets Drunk and Admits to Having "Issues" with her Body

Washington, DC- On a chilly evening in Febrary Carly Finkelstein, 19, had a few beverages with her friends in her college dorm room. All was going well until Finkelstein had too much to drink and began getting "emotional". It started when she received a phone call from her high school "boyfriend" and slipped into the dormitory hallway. On lookers overheard her saying such things as "Why are you doing this to me?" "We were just dancing," and "Go to hell. I don't ever want to talk to you again." Finkelstein returned to her room and claimed she was "fine" and "just needed another drink". Her friends, who refused to be named due to the university's underage drinking policy, encouraged her to take some shots and "forget about him." The girls settled in and started playing "Kings." All was going well until Finkelstein drew a Jack and had to play truth or dare. Before she decided between having to tell a "truth" or be dared a "dare." She burst into tears claiming that all the other girls in the room were "skinnier" and "prettier" than she was. And it was "no wonder he didn't love her anymore". The girls tried emphatically to console Finkelstein, but she would have none of it. She revealed that she had tried to make herself throw up once, but that she couldn't go through with it. And that she didn't eat for a whole day sophomore year of high school. The other girls soon joined Finkelstein in her sobs and fits of claiming they also "feel fat all the time." The party ended when a male neighbor knocked on the door. He found the girls crying and petting each other's hair with the menu screen of a Sex and the City DVD looping. He said he came over because "that annoying song just kept repeating over and over and he had a test 'early' the next morning." He asked them to quiet down and then recognized Finkelstein from their Intro to Pysch class. The two discussed how much the professor "sucked" and how they didn't think attendance should be mandatory in college. When the neighbor left the girls all slipped into a quiet slumber that was inducive to drooling and it seemed they would all have crinks in their necks the next day.
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