Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Ask Boyfriend #2

Dear Boyfriend,

Do you think I dropped my toast with peanut butter face down on my pants this morning because it is the autumnal equinox?

Latoya Jackson could not say so I am asking you.

Thank you,

Libra with slight tendencies of Gemini

Dear Libra with slight tendencies of Gemini,

In order to fully investigate the celestial happenstance that might be at root of your terrible ordeal, we must first clear up some apparent confusion of vernacular. Unless you have a strange cultural reason for calling exactly 5:18pm EST September 22nd 2009 "morning" or live in Adelaide, then you are referring not to the autumnal "equinox", but rather to the autumnal "equilux." Equilux is the proper term when referring to the 24 hour span which, given the heliocentric nature of our universe and the tilt our planet's axis, is when we have exactly 12 hours of darkness followed by 12 of light (assuming of course you are far enough away from the equator to have differential seasonal shifts in light/dark). So to para-rephrase, you are asking if the Autumnal Equilux could be responsible for the sequence of dire events that led to you having peanut butter all over your crotch.

No, not in slightest, it's a preposterous suggestion steeped in misconceptions and myths about periodic alignments of earth and sun, altogether more suited to a back-alley palmistry than any educated discourse. No, if you ask me, your peanut butter pants are the result of the combination of your deteriorating manual dexterity and gluttonous consumption.

Thank you,
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