Ask Boyfriend

Dear Boyfriend,

Should I give beggers money?

Thanks,
Concerned

Dear Concerned,

If by "begger" then you mean a beggar, or a penniless wretch, then no, you should save your money for spelling lessons. All kidding aside, there is one thing that gives an uncommon perspective into just what level of squalor a human being has delved, and it is the shoes. In determining whether a mendicant is deserving of your alms, check out their footwear. Chances are, a guy with grimy nikes on is just a shady wino determined to find his next drink, whereas a man with swollen, mushroom-like appendages scantily swaddled in befouled rags may actually have a practical use for your spare change, like, and I'm just riffing here, surviving the onset of winter. This is not to belittle the plight of the homeless in general or set up a preferential hierarchy of needs amongst addicts on the street, but honestly, if you are going to give money to someone, it might as well be the one who looks as though they are barking up death's thorny bush. There's no telling how they will use it, or that their purple elephant feet will take precedence over their dipsomaniacal thirst for inebriating ambrosia, but there's always that chance.

Thank you,
Boyfriend