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Dear Boyfriend,

What should I be for Halloween? The previous two years I went as Clark Kent and the "Brawny Man" (the lumberjack on the Brawny brand paper towels).
 
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

In order to properly answer your question, I need to know if you went as Clark Kent or as Superman, and if the former, did you have a superman costume on underneath your unassuming suit and contraceptive eyeglasses? Your answer will speak to your dedication to costume minutia, not to mention adherence to Metropolis cannon. In any case, there are certain extrapolations that can be made on assumptions about your previous choices. I commend you on choosing costumes that are easily achieved without veering from the contents of an average man's closet, and will attempt to offer an option that won't necessitate any additional purchases on your part and will fit with the musclebound Caucasian everyman theme you have been running with. I propose you go as Ray 'Tiny' Jackson(Donald Gibb), the irascible giant sidekick of Jean Claude Van Damme's character in the seminal film "Bloodsport." This costume requires only blue jeans, a vaguely yokel black t-shirt (Harley Davidson would be best), a light blue Jacket and an unrelenting willingness to bodily reinforce the stereotype of Ugly American upon a melange of hackneyed ethnic types from every corner of the globe. For the especially intrepid costumer, consider going in a wheel chair as Tiny Jackson post near-fatal-encounter-with-

badass-Asian-dude-of-culturally-indeterminate-origins.

Thank you,
Boyfriend