Ask Boyfriend

Dear Boyfriend,
I'm going to start looking for new jobs. I want something that will allow me to work 9-5 ish and give me health insurance. I also don't want much responsibility. And I want to be rich. Can you find me a position?
Thanks!

Dear Anonymous Job Seeker,

I can answer the actual query in your correspondence quite succinctly: No, I can't find you a position.

Why, you ask. Because, while Ask Boyfriend is an ever-flowing fount of wisdom in all matters, I must needs remind you that I am somewhat bound by the temporal strictures of a life not entirely consumed by this blog and column. What I can do however is attempt to elucidate the significance behind the language of your question, thus propelling you upon a trajectory that shall net meaningful results. Let us break down the distinct qualifications you long for in a position.

First, you reference a time frame that you find desirable, "9-5 ish". It would have been useful to include an AM/PM distinction here, but since we don't generally live in a nocturnal realm of vampiric delights, I will go ahead and assume that you mean 9AM to 5PM, informing me that you are most comfortable with a highly-structured schedule that conforms to that of the majority of the working population of any sizable metropolitan area. The "ish" portion of your qualification is telling, in so far as it speaks to a certain underlying desire to escape that very rigid timetable that you supplied. It is a small thing, currently huddled in darkness, shivering with fear of change, but once it catches some small whiff of pungent abnormality you may find yourself basking in the glory of preternatural work hours.

Second, you aim for employment that comes with health insurance. I can't speak against this from a practical standpoint, but I believe it does indeed speak to a certain practicality in your nature that desires stability and rejects the uncertainty that makes the uninsured so full of life. Third, you don't want "much" responsibility. The key word here is the one I just wrapped in quotes, much, where you tip your hand as to believing at least in some respect in your abilities and believe yourself capable of some modicum of responsibility, but are ostensibly actively choosing to eschew that very responsibility which you find yourself equal to. Fourth, you want to be rich, which is an interesting statement in that it implies a level of wealth beyond just a comfortable one.

Good god, I just wasted all of my time writing such a long-winded, pointless diatribe about the form that your question took, and certainly wasted your time if you are still reading it. I could have just found you an appropriate job... which I have now done. Did you know that you can make 60k working 35 hours a week as a Legal Secretary? I know that is not "rich" but let's face it, are you rich material?

Thank you.
Boyfriend


[Ed Note: Submit your questions in the comments for next week!]