Welcome 2009!

Welcome 2009, let's do this bullshit. Yeah, that's right, I'm not scared of you. Another year, so what? Fine, so I accomplished very little in 2008, and now a whole new year is here. I can still lose that 10 pounds, I just have to cram a little, or the opposite of cram, which has to do with loosening the poo.

And if you think that I forgot about that resolution to call my grandmother more, you are w-r-o-n-g. She is going to get a flood of calls in the next two days. And she will love it, or most likely be very confused and then never pick up the phone again.

I used to think the year changing was such a BIG DEAL, but you know what 2009? Who cares. Yeah, that's right I said it, who cares? I will wake up on January 1, 2009 just as "big boned" as I was on 2008. And then I will go to the same job and blah blah blah. You follow that 2009? Huh? Its all the same. I am not so naive anymore to think that the number relating to the date makes any impact on my life. Especially now with global warming, it was like 70 degrees outside yesterday.

So, come on along and do your worst. I dare you. Chances are the only thing I will be thinking about on 1/1/09 is how hungover I am.

Funny runs in the family

Back story: Little Brother is hilarious, he helped Grandma set up her cell phone, this email is to all our cousins on one side and is in response to an email I sent about her voice mail being ridiculously funny. Enjoy....


For those of you not fortunate to join the youngest cousins from each
family at Thanksgiving you do not understand how the process of
getting Grandma to say her name into the phone could be so hard. As a
little background Grandma's last cell phone, which she had for six
years, never received a single phone call. This was due to the fact
that she never turned it on. Attempting to teach her to use this new
phone was one of the most difficult tasks I have had to do. While
trying to teach her simple things like how to answer it and using the
caller ID, she was receiving a mass influx of text messages from her
children. This included picture and video messages of her trying to
learn how to use a cell phone, from someone who can barely function
their own, my dad. And Cousin stressing the most important thing was to
never turn it off and it could be charged while still on.

I knew better than to attempt to let do an entire message, so I choose
the option so all she had to do was say her own name. Leaving a
voicemail seemed like a simple enough task, but the first few all
started with "but there's a lady talking" or "now?" or ones that were
just completely silent as she waited for the tone. The ultimate low
when the entire dinner table, composed of Grandpa and all of our
fathers, burst out laughing around failed attempt 10.

The lesson of this, is be grateful for what you can get.

Hope all is well,
Little Brother

P.S. Grandma's text messaging skills are great, spelling will be
flawless. Downside, you will not receive a response until another
grandchild is their to assist.

How Tostitos and I Broke-up

***WARNING*** This post is not for the faint of stomach. I am being for realsy here, you may not want to read this (which knowing you makes you want to read it more), but I am warning you it gets gross.


As you may or may not know I have been having a very intense love affair with Tostitos. It started casually enough in college, a handful here and there. But in recent months, it has become much more intense. I needed a bag every Saturday and Sunday. Something about their salt, their crisp.... I shouldn't go on.

And this past Saturday was no different. I woke up and immediately, happily even, ate half a bag, two-thirds of a bag of Tostitos. However, the events that followed would change everything.

Around 6 pm may stomach became tight, and clenched. I had a show in two hours, and then another show an hour and a half after that, and then ANOTHER show an hour and a half after that. I thought it was nerves combined with a slight hang over.

At about 6:30 pm I announced to Boyfriend, and genius comedian David Angelo that maybe I should just make myself throw up. They both thought that was a poor idea. But as I stood up, I realized there was no reason to make myself throw up, as I was going to do it already.

Some pretty violent vomiting ensued.

I changed clothes and got ready to go to the theater. We all agreed that it was a one-off. But on my way to the theater I didn't think I was feeling better. And then pretty much as soon as I got there. More violent vomiting took place. I apologized to the woman sitting outside the bathrooms. Who later claimed to have heard nothing.

Anyways, I had to skedaddle home and proceed to lay on my couch for 12 hours throwing about about every 45 minutes.

But where do the Tostitos come in? Well, while I am not about to contend that it was the corn tortilla chips that made me sick during the process of being sick I could taste that very distinct Tostito flavor.

And so it is with much sadness that I have to report that my love affair with Tostiots is on a long to permanent hiatus.

Did I mention the loose poop train that came to down about 3 am? Because that was an adorable topper to the whole situation.

Video!

Velcome, I am in a improv comedic group called: CAVEAT.

Ve are pretty much the best ever. Don't believe me. Check this motherfucking shit out (profanities are totally superfluous, but what the hell):


Caveat Holiday Promo from mark pagan on Vimeo.

Thingermajigs

I almost blogged about the metro the other day. But that idea left me feeling old and gray. I mean I look back through i <3 gilmore gurlz, and there are blogs about my nearly explosive re-fried beans and latte diet, pet lizards, hangovers, cool-fun-hip-groovy-things.

But here I am, 25 years young, and I want to write about the metro. THE METRO, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. When did I turn into the most boringest person on this earth? Did a memo go out that I missed? I mean, hallelujah be damned, public transportation? I might as well start writing about my denture paste or whatever old boring people talk about.

I remember in high school when I caught a football pass and then stuff happened, blah blah blah.

See what I did there? I was talking about my hayday (sp?) because that's what boring old people do. They talk about a time when things were exciting, rather than making things exciting right now.

But, while we are on the subject of football and exciting things. PEYTON MANNING has a new commercial, I dunno what for, but he is simply superb in it. It's him at all these hotels and people are saying mean things to him, but he takes them all positively. ITS WONDERFUL AND SO IS HE. I really feel like they let him use his comedy chops, and his timing is improving.

Also, another side note, if anyone would like to talk about Allison Janney, please let me know. I have yet to find someone who wants to talk about her for as long as I do.

AND! Improv, sirs, improv! I imagine if you are reading this you already know, but I have to do my part. Washington Improv Theater is currently doing their winter run. You can catch me in Seasonal Disorder, Caveat, and Vic Speedboat.

And a very special shout out mention special note to Mythical Newsroom, which stars:
KARIN LOUISE HAMMERBERG

JENNIFER SINCLAIR HUFTALEN

APARNA (I DON'T KNOW HER MIDDLE NAME) NANCHERLA

And also sometimes when she's not living in THE new york city: HONORA TALBOTT (ALSO I DO NOT KNOW HER MIDDLE NAME NEITHER, WHICH IS NOT A REFLECTION OF OUR RELATIONSHIP, I JUST DON'T THINK IT HAS COME UP)

Man v. Beast

So, Fox had a show called Man v. Beast. It is no longer on the air. I cannot understand why. Because it is amazing. I mean truly beautifully amazing. The best party is the commentary. But, I would NEVER ask you to take my impeccable word for it. Go ahead and watch some for yourself.

MAN V. BEAR- EATING HOTDOGS


MAN V. ORANGUTAN- TUG OF WAR


LITTLE PEOPLE V. ELEPHANT- PULLING AN AIRPLANE


MAN V. GIRAFFE & MAN V. ZEBRA- FOOT RACE