Friday, March 30, 2007


I know I know I haven't updated in forever. Here is a brief overview of what's been happening:

- I went to the circus. It was amazing. I love the circus. LOVE THE CIRCUS. If I could go back and rename my blog it might be i luv circus gurlz. Although that would probably draw a weird readership. Whatever!!!!!! I LOVE THE CIRCUS. (Picture me in a field twirling in circles and just screaming I love the circus. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE). So that was alright, no big thing. I mean I spent one amazing night with the circus. I appalauded and laughed. I was nearly filled to the brim with glee during the dogs jumping through hoop act. I shuttered in fear at the guys riding in the motorcycle ball. I truly gave myself to the circus. And has it called? Nope. All I have left of my time with the circus is sticky shoes. But better to have loved and lost, right?

- I saw a drug addict do a 45 minute long stand up set. It was interesting. The joke about killing everyone in the audience was said with such... realism. I mean he really committed to it. And then the rant about his son dying, which he closed with, was hmm.... uncomfortable? But then Angelo bought me a domestic light beer, and everything was fine again.

- I went to an anti-war march. Although, I don't think my viewpoint was clearly expressed. I don't really want to impeach bush, nor do I think everyone is a traitor. I guess I really think that maybe we should sit down and really talk this one out until we have a solid solution that everyone can feel apart of. Anyways, that was cold.

- I saw some folk art.

- I saw two different wonderful delightful cousins.

- I hope to have a wonderful weekend.

- I have been to work, sporadically.

- I went to a college party. I felt old. I hid in the shower. I don't know. I saw Ben.

- I talked shit about some work people with other work people.

- I ate an apple. Fiji and it was DELICIOUS! AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS!

- I had a discussion about menial super powers. Like controlling when your girlfriend has her period. Or the ability to keep your shoes tied for a 6 hours straight. Or the ability to grow your nails really long. I did not contribute a single ability. I don't know if I was drunk, or I just have a hard time coming up with menial abilities. I can only think of really cool things. Like being able to type with your mind. Or being able to hear really well. Or flying.

- I ate jelly beans.

- I quit smoking, started smoking again, quit again, became a social smoker, started again, and now I am down to 5 a day.

- I went to spinning class at the gym.

- I saw two old receSs members. They were beautiful shadows of what I knew them to be.

- I decided I am going to make up some new catch phrases. But I haven't started work on them yet.

- I started a plant hospital in my cube. Apparently, watering a bamboo plant a few times a week is too hard for everyone who has more important jobs than me. I have made a joke about insurance 3-7 times a day for a whole week. These people love me.

- I thought about dying my hair. But didn't.

- I tried to watch a youtube video on my work computer. But it froze and all these systems shut down.

- I have talked about popcorn four or five times TODAY. Mainly, because there is a popcorn tub right by my cube and everytime someone takes some I engage them in popcorn related converstaions.

So, see? I really haven't had much going on at all. Nothing. It's so boring. AH Everything is so boring. I wish I could just fly. Oh! How about this for a menial super power, the ability to have a neverending mechanical pencil? Oh man. That would be a dream come true!
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Friday, March 16, 2007


A guy at my office is wearing a Yankees hat. And I was like "I can't believe you are wearing that." And then he did a rock n roll fingers and was like "hell yeah I love the Yankees." And then I said "I don't think I have heard anyone without a horrible New York accent say that before." And walked away.

I think I may have insulted him.

I don't even care about baseball but I have been programmed to hate the Yankees.

I am going to think of more insulting things to say to him about the Yankees.

P.S. My bracket is blown way open.

P.P.S. If Boyfriend loses to me in our brackets I am making him wear a shirt to work that says "My girlfriend beat me in our brackets" Then the back will say something clever or just have a penis on it or something. It will be awesome. Epecially because I had Duke going to the Elite Eight. Although, like the Yankees I am programmed to hate Puke too, so I am a little happy they lost.

P.P.P.S. Why can't we be programmed to love?
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Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Completely useless=


Ok, no, I really mean this blog. I have just started and my only ideas are sudoku which is two years late and excuses to tell my boss of why it's ok that I am doing sudokus at work. My best one is that is gets my into a "problem-solving frame of mind."

I used to be thouroughly addicted to sudokus, I mean who wasn't? That's like saying I did meth at the gay club, duh. Everyone did.

Anyways I tried to do one last night, and I got stuck and then started guessing and messed up the whole fucking thing. And then just now I tried to do one online and got stuck but then I saw it was a "extremely difficult" so I cut myself some slack, and rocked the shit out of an "easy". That's really it.

Oh, see how I just told you that I couldn't do a sudoku, well that's KIND OF embarrassing and I told you. There are some people who like to tell REALLY embarassing things about themselves. Like having hemoroids, or that they failed art class not for a lack of trying. Or I don't know stupid shit that I really didn't need to know, and now in fact look down on them for knowing. People keep your embarassing shit to yourself. Seriously, I don't need to know that you have applied for 5 promotions within our company and gotten denied everytime. No one would know that if you stopped telling everyone.

Although I guess that unabashedness is kind of endearing and respectable, I now know what a fucking loser you are so all that is lost.

Also, Bed Bath and Beyond does not sell an air mattress for less then $100. This made me so mad that I started taking things off the shelf and kicking them. Boyfriend made me leave then. But I was so mad that I went on a swearing tirade, and I think I am still stuck on it. Swearing, cursing, cussing, whatevs can be so fucking cool sometimes it's stupid.

I don't know if it comes through, but I am actually in an incredibly good mood and I think it's because I rocked the shit out of that sudoku.
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Thursday, March 08, 2007

Bonus Riddle

I turn around once.
What is out will not get in.
I turn around again.
What is in will not get out.
What am I?
Submit your answers! ASAP! I win free coffee if I'm first.
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My Sweet 16 Overview

Heres the breakdown of this amazing show:
(Now sometimes there are boys turning 16, and let's be honest everyone is stupid so it really isn't gender specific and they bitch and moan as much as the girls. So for the sake of the breakdown I will be using the female tenses.)

- girl saying something equally bitchy and retarded, in the best cases it's directed at her mom, but usually it's a sweeping, broad statement like "Everyone wishes they were me."
- if you are super lucky the girl will be chubby, this makes the show 100% better for me because the show is based on the insecurities of 16 year olds, but the chubbiness makes it all the more obvious
- then the girl brags about how her sweet sixteen will be the best sweet sixteen EVER. someone has to be lying, they can't all have the best sweet sixteens ever.
- then it's an overview of the girl's life. it shows her brow beaten parents giving into her every whim and manipulation while the girl's ego explodes all over your tv set leaving a pink and shiny goo.

- the girl decides who should get invited with her other friends, because god forbid she decide anything on her own. Because even though everyone wants to be her she stills needs her friends approval before finalizing the guest list. OH! And they usually go through the year book to pick people, this is an instance of everyone just copying the shows they saw prior to the taping of their episode.
- if you are lucky you will get to see the girls point to someone in their yearbook and laugh at them. and then coo over someone they all agree is "cute" and the 'love" them. there are never any disagreements in this part. But you are usually reminded by the birthday girl that it is infact "her party and she will do want shes wants."
- then the invitations are delivered in some moronic fashion. the best is when a megaphone is involved telling people they aren't invited/they have to bring presents. it's a beautiful moment.

- i don't know... there is usually a lot of crying and screaming "daddy"
- they all have a theme and multiple dress changes
- OH AND A TALENT! that's the very best fucking part. everyone does a dance or sings a song. and they usually have ZERO intentions of practicing, which pays off for the viewer later on.
- more crying and saying "its my party, wah wah"

- they have an entrance where boys are shirtless which they have picked earlier, in some of the most embarassing moments I have ever seen on TV.
- the chubby ones are STUFFED into their party dresses and they have so much make-up on they look 45
- girl changes outfit so many times she misses most the party
- musical performer comes out, sometimes its cool, most of the time its a nobody and the girl cries
- girl does "talent" everyone lies to her and tells her she did sooooo good
- parents looking adoringly as girl hoochy dances with everyone, father tears as girl's dresses get sluttier and sluttier throughout the night
- parents get drunk and wish they never had kids or wish they knew how to say "no"
- girl gets car and shreaks and cries
- she half heartedly thanks her parents because her true interest is making sure everyone at school is jealous of her
- everyone at school is jealous of her
- someone else drives off the car because girl failed drivers lisence test.

- parent says they cashed out their 401k for the party and is now deeply in debt
- girl couldn't give a shit because she wants something new now like an island or lil' bow wow made into a bedside table

Moral: be a brat and if you are ugly and chubby make other people feel bad to make yourself feel better

Yeah, so maybe I watch too much TV, but you read too much blogs.

P.S. I was going to put a picture on, but I got super depressed and had to stop.
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Friday, March 02, 2007


I was really dreading this blogging thing today because my post yesterday was extraordinarily depressing. I mean it was really bad. Don't read it if you haven't already. And I was thinking about how I have to redeem myself. But there was just nothing I could muster up. And then I was thinking about doing some standard stock jokes, you know poopy farty men dressed as women kind of thing. Although, I kind of knew slap stick wouldn't translate well to blogging...

BUT I HAVE A NEW JOY IN MY LIFE. I am going to purchase some new members of my family this weekend! I am going to get fish again. Oh man I am so excited. There are a few rules about fish though that I know I should abide to...

1. Don't get your hopes up because they die easily. (BUT LET'S BE HONEST I HAVE BLOWN THAT SO FAR(T) OUT OF THE WATER!!( get it, water? like fish? like my last fish would just jump out of the water in a weird suicide attempt) OH MAN I AM EXCITED!)

2. Do not name the fish or they will die. Seriously, my first few attempts I tried to name my fish and they didn't last. And then I wisened up and stopped naming them and I had much better luck. But then I had a fat fish and I referred to it as Preggers, no more than 3 times. And it died. And I know you are thinking, she was fat, that's why she died, but nooooo it was the name.

3. Feed the fish or they will die.

4. You should not over feed the fish, or they will die.

5. Do not! And I repeat do not keep sticking your hand in the fish tank to poke them to see if they are still alive because that will kill them even faster.

6. Do not leave the fish tank by a window because it will grow algae fast. And then you will get a bottom feeder, and it will kill all your other fish.

7. Just because you want a frog in your fish tank does not mean the frog will like it, and he will let you know he is unhappy by dying almost immediately.

8. Let Boyfriend take care of the fish, like feeding them regularly and cleaning the tank.

Those are the basic principles of owning fish. I can field some questions as well, if I have left anything unanswered.
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Thursday, March 01, 2007

Depressing- really an awful read- just stay away. I wish I knew some good links to send you to instead of churning out half assed posts.

So sorry for yesterdays blog. I just didn't have it in me. I just couldn't do it. And Daniel thought he could write in a guest blog, but it is so riddled with stereotypes that even I couldn't put it up. (i.e. "Offices usually have “the token minority.” This person is always grossly incompetent but no one can discuss it.")

I saw a lot of people fighting with each other in their cars. So it's a lot of shaking fists, mouthing swear words, and flipping off. It was pretty fun to watch. And then I wondered if they were actually saying those words outloud or just mouthing them. And then I tired to remember if/when I have ever yelled in the car if I actually yelled or just mouthed the words. That's just about impossible to remember.

I might get a bonus at work.

I am saving up for liposuction.

And a new pair of boots.

This is probably the crappiest post I have ever written. Seriously, I cannot belive how incredibly awful it is. And then that starts to affect or effect my self esteem. Which is currently plummeting at the moment. I am to the point that if I saw a half eaten donut near the top of a garbage can I would take it out, and take one HUGE bite and then throw it away again. Hopefully, I will start crying in one of my 14 and a half meetings today, because crying at work is one of the most awkward things you can do. Especially when you have no friends. I feel my eyes swelling. Maybe I will just go sit in a bathroom stall for a while. Or I will look at stupid celebrity gossip blogs until about 4ish. Then I will promptly panic because I haven't done anything all day. Then I will check the gossip blogs one more time before starting real work. And then life is boring.

A girl just walked by really really quickly. She looked funny. I guess you had to be there.
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