Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Dear Inventors,

Dear Inventors,
Can you please invent a Butterfingers bar that has the same delicious taste but doesn't stick to my teeth? I am just always wooried that it might pull out my filling. Thank you.

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Why oh why?

Why can't I poo like a normal person? Hmm? Why can't I feel like, "Oh I have to use the bathroom. Let me just finish the sentence I am writing... And walk to the bathroom in a calm manner." Why do I have to sprint down the hallways at work to get to the bathroom? Why?

I am thinking about taking FiberSure. Its tasteless and you can put in anything, including cookies. I saw it in the commerical.

I tried to make brownies last night. No go. I tried to make this S'more brownies recipe I found on the internet. They are like bricks. So not only are my brownies not shaped like pumpkins, but they are bricks of chocolate, marshmellow, graham crackers, and burnt. I am glad that I destroyed my kitchen last night following the recipe to a T I have nothing to show for it other than an ant heaven. Super.

I just brought candy. I wonder if I will get trick or treaters tonight. Probably not. But I would LOVE some. LOVE IT. I don't really like children.
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Monday, October 30, 2006

A Story

I was born in Germany. I am not German, my parents were just living in Europe when I was born. And they took me back to Germany when I was in third grade or so. And if anyone has been to Europe a good party of the trip is visiting castles. And boy oh boy did I visit a lot of castles. One could even say enough castles to last one a life time, all withint a six or seven day span.

So at one of these castles in GERMANY. I decide it would be funny, being the comedian I was going to grow up to be, to scream something. And what did I decide to scream? Oh I don't know something along the lines of, "THE NAZIS ARE COMING! THE NAZIS ARE COMING!" Yeah thats right at a castle in Germany, I, a little American girl, started screaming about Nazis. The horror on my mother's face was indescribable. She pulled me into that little European rental car so quickly. And the grip she had on my arm still gives me memory pains sometimes. I swear to god she split the muscle.

Now, I don't think I really had a firm grasp on what exactly the Nazis were. I knew they were bad. I don't think I knew they originated in Germany, or that they had caused World War II OR that they murdered millions of people. I did know that they were in Indiana Jones The Last Crusafe and they burned books. And that the female Nazi tricked Indiana and his dad. And so that is what I chose to scream at a castle in Germany. Wonderful, right?

I suppose the moral of the story is that my dad should have read more history to me rather than letting me watch Indiana Jones, James Bond, and John Wayne movies. However, I do think that I understood the importance of "haning them high" and what a shaken martini meant before most of my peers. And that's something parents could be proud of.
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Friday, October 27, 2006

computer screen too bright.... phone too loud.... help. send help.
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I am drunky at work. My friend had a slammin' dinner party that turned into a game of 500 which turned into going to the bar. And now I am drunky at work. This is actually my first time. Which is slightly impressive. I am doing things at a nice slow rate. It took me twice as long to get my coffee. When my boss called on me in the daily meeting I just stared straight ahead. And made a low "uuuuhh" sound. I can't tell if I smell like cigarettes or not. I think I do, but who can tell at this point. One of my coworkers just told me that I looked hung over yesterday, I don't know what she thinks she looking at today. But I'll tell you what it is:

-cheap wine, mixed (not just I drank different wines, but if my glass was low I would just fill it up with whatever wine was around)
- homeless man waiting outside the front door of the house because someone promised him wine
- monk fish
- budweiser
- poor decisions
- a football slammed into my face when I tried to catch it
- a group of boys telling me that i suck at throwing
- lezzies next door telling me to be quiet twice
- spicy tomato soup
- malboro lights
- brownies with annis in them
- "and what do you do for a living?" conversations
- my alarm going off every nine minutes for about an hour

thank you have a good night.
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Thursday, October 26, 2006

Birthday Update

No party. AND i didn't tell anyone it was my birthday. two things i never thought would happen. although i did promise to bring brownies for our halloween party. and i said i would make them look like pumpkins. i don't know why i did that. honestly, i have no idea why i would make a promise like that. its not just i can't bake blah blah, but i really have no idea of how to go about making brownies look like pumpkins.

on second thought i know why i promised that. to get people to like me. because once i said it everyone perked up and said "oh that will be so cute." good for me, right? i am a douche. should i get cookie cutters? where do you get cookie cutters? life sucks.
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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The Office Hallway

This is a place for traveling from one destination to another. It is also a place for wonderfully awkward conversations. Here are some observations I have had about office hallways:

1. There is that guy that will always throw a little comment in there. Like if you are carrying a single sheet of paper he will say, "You need some help carrying that?" Or if you are reading something he will say "Stop working so hard, you're making the rest of us look bad." This guy likes to wink.

2. There are the hallway runners. I sometimes like to do this later at night. Hallway running is where you walk quickly and swing your arms furiously. More furiously than if you were even just running. This is fun to watch, almost as fun as the overstuffed backpack run. ALMOST.

3. I pretend like I just found a stain on my shirt and try to get it off down the entire hallway. This way I don't make eye contact with people. It's like pretending to talk on your cell phone so people don't hand you flyers on the street, office style.

4. There are people who try to have more than two line conversations in the hallway. Usually you get a "hey" or a "hey whats up?" But that's really all one has time for. These people don't realize this. They want to talk about the weather, a project, their wife, anything as you pass each other. We don't have enough time for all of that. We are both moving in opposite directions, no time. They don't understand.

5. There are people who want to stop you to chat. Don't stop.
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Today is my birthday. I haven't mentioned it to anyone at my office. I wonder if they know. I wonder if they are planning on throwing me a surprise office party. My office seems to be pretty big on surprise parties. I am leaving too. I wonder if they will throw something for that too.

I don't think I want an office surprise party for my birthday or going away.

But I can't tell if I really don't want one, or I just don't think I want one. And then when I don't get anything I will be really disappointed. I can't tell at all.

I never thought I would be one of those people who doesn't tell anyone about their birthday. I am surprised at myself. I wonfer if I can go all day without telling anyone. Chances are I will tell someone right at the end of the day after it is clear there is no surprise party to make them feel bad.

Yeah that sounds just about right.
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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Football Analysis

So yesterday there was a football game on television, which I believe is commonly referred to as Monday Night Football. Great. On ESPN the announcers were discussing that the Giants have never beaten the Cowboys at Cowboy stadium on Monday. This is a ridiculous statistic. I understand sports are full of ridiculous stats, baseball probably being the worst offender, but baseball games can also get pretty boring when viewed on television. And I realize that ESPN wants to hype every game, especially since they have recently acquired Monday Night Football. But earnestly, I think guys will watch the game regardless of whether or not the Giants have ever beaten the Cowboys in Texas on a Monday. All ESPN needs to say is, "Football is on, and there is only one game tonight. It starts at 9." And people who like football would still watch it. Football alone is exciting enough for football fans. Consequently the Giants did win, and ESPN will not have to come up with a new stat for the next time this meeting occurs. But hopefully then I will still get to watch what I want during the commercials, and halftime. And during the second quarter and the last part of the first. And if the game goes too long and the thing I want to watch starts on the hour. And when I deem the game boring. Oh and when you get up to get food or go to the bathroom and leave the controller behind. BOO YAY.

ps a friend wrote me an email recently and tried to write "boo yay" but she wrote "boo yow." weird, right?
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This Morning

Dear DC,
You are incredibly grumpy when you walk to work in the morning, especially when its cold. Me too. Let's hang out sometime.


P.S. Did you see me on "Is It Real: Vampires" last night?
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Monday, October 23, 2006


I will be on NATIONAL TELEVISION TONIGHT!! That's right the long awaited arrival of "Is It Real? Vampires" will air at 8 pm EST tonight on the National Geographic Channel. I play a dead body INSIDE A COFFIN. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?! This is probably the most important work I have ever done in my ENTIRE LIFE. I will probably be on screen for up to five seconds. Oh man! I want it to be 7:55 pm EST RIGHT NOW!!! I can't wait. I hope I didn't get cut. If my shots are laying on the virtual cutting room floor I may call in sick tomorrow. Probably not because I need to pay rent soon, but I will get up late and maybe not shower.
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Is soon. And I think that I would really like to committ this Halloween to scaring children. Here is why, I think:
1. I don't practicularly like children. This isn't some joke where I say shit about them being selfish or blah blah. I just don't really like children. I like individual children I think they are interesting and say weird things. I would like to see how they will react to being incredibly scared.
2. I don't like being scared. And I get scared by just about anything. I have never seen all of Scream because I think it is too scary. I tried to watch it the other night, and I could not, I got too scared. Not only do I get scared easily I over react. I cry and fall apart. Infact, I was that little girl that broke down in the firefighters' haunted house. They had to turn the lights on and take their masks off and carry me out. I would like to see what it is like to see someone else react like that.
3. I hate slutty Halloween.
4. I have access to a large dog that barks a lot. I don't know how to pass up that opportunity.
5. My friends and I who normally all dress together as a group could not decide on anything and are probably not even going to see each other this Halloween. I am heartbroken, and will cover up any sentimentality with evil.

You seem great.
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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

I have to pee

I have had to for hours.
And I am just not.
For no reason what-so-ever.
I am not doing work.
I got up to go to lunch,
where I pass the bathrooms.
But no. I did not go.


its all true. although i think i am breaking down. and after i finish this i will go pee. maybe....

a good way to get out of work is to tell everyone you think you have something contagious like mono, or strepp throat, or bird flu. they will let you go home, and not let you come back for a while. although i will tell yout his right now, the food network shows they play during the day are the same episodes they play later in the evening. so you aren't missing much.
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Friday, October 13, 2006

at work this friday

- i got a new badge cover. the security guy was really nice and i felt special. i am going for the around the neck badge look over the clip on your pocket badge look. i don't really know how i feel about it. its actually not very conveinient because most of the little things i have to touch my badge to to get throuh doors are waist high.

- there's a woman who i work with that is fasting for ramadan. i am super impressed.

- there's a girl who is NEVER at work. and i use her phone to make personal calls and to prank people in my office. and she is here today and it totally threw me off. because on my way over there i was thinking of some good prank calls to make. plus she's not very nice so me walking right into her office wasnt a great idea.

- some prank calls i like to make are pretending that someones personal emails are printing out on the office wide printer. or pretending to be IS and telling people they need to come down to the basement. things like that. OH one of my favorites is telling poeple there is free food somewhere, and theres not. one time i kind of caught myself in that. because i made the call and then went back to my hall desk and someone told me there was free food. and i got to go get it with them. no food.

that's it.
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Thursday, October 12, 2006


think about it. its a super great comparison. i just wish i had some sort of C3PO voice machine where i could get him to say "make it work". or get tim gunn to say "master luke master luke". does this make heidi klum luke? yes i suppose so. which clearly makes michael kors hans solo, and of course nina garcia would be chewbacca. im just kiddig, she could be princess leah, and we would save chewbacca for santino.
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Whos doing this? Last night I left work with about 600 hits. I know because I refreshed my blog from about 593 to 600. (that's only 7, its not very much at all, don't be an ass, you would do it too if your self esteem depended on it) And now the hits are like 740. What's going on?

Who are you? Is this just one person refreshing it a lot? If so, thank you I feel awesome.

Do I have some weird key words that people are looking for? What are you looking for?

Someone explain what's happening. Please. And I will leave fake comments, but I would like some real answers.

You are so speacial to me, don't ever change. Unless you are fat and then you should think about a whole life overhaul.
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Peeing In My Pants, this is a new internet speak i made up last night. its fucking genius. kinda. i don't know i am really excited about it. so drop your LOLs and LMAOs and ROTFLs. and start using PIMP. i am going to comment on a bunch of really popular youtube.com videos in the hope of spreading the term. its going to be AWESOME.
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Tuesday, October 10, 2006

watch as i grow old before your very eyes

So i was on youtube.com today watching different clips of "center stage" a ballet based movie. because i am a girl and i dont always like to do my work. get over it. you don't have to like the movie this post isnt even about the movie. so stop. i'm a girl i can like girlie things.

and i read this comment "i luv this muvi! i ust 2 hav it, but we lost it sumhow. :( " this is ridiculous. MUVI?!?!?!?! thats how we are going to spell movie now? M-U-V-I?!?!?!?! really? "used" is now "ust"? this is INSANE. clearly i am not all for grammatical correctness as i rarely use capical letters. but i do not use numerical symbols in my writing when i am not refering to numbers. i am just agast. honestly. we are so dumb. i feel sad in my heart for this new turn of writing. we are so lazy that the o-e combination is too much of a hassle. and we just use "u" for everything, and when we can't use a "u" we just leave the "e" off? "hav"???? and if you can't convey in your writing that you are upset then you just stick a little unhappy face at the end? WRITE REAL WORDS WITH MEANING BEHIND THEM AND WE DON'T NEED YOUR COLON-START PARANTHESIS AT THE END OF THE SENTENCE. i garuntee this person doesn't even know what a colon is. to them its just eyes.

this isn't me. i don't care about this. its just said. im not usually a ranter. i am more of a liar. but come on. COME ON! that's it. that's all. i don't think i can say much more. theres so much to say and no point in saying. text me lata. ttyl.
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Thursday, October 05, 2006

Bumpy Roads Ahead For Rolly Suitcases

Washington, DC- Literally. As more and more travellers use rolly suitcases it seems that town councilmen are turning a cold shoulder to the shoulder relieving luggage. The nation's capital has tried to keep up its quiantness by using cobblestone and brick as sidewalks instead of smooth pavement. While the asethic look can be descired as "more than pleasing," the utilitarian purpose is said to be "super annoying." One street walker is quoted as saying, "I stub my toe constantly. I actually have to look where I am going. It's ridiculous." When the traveler was asked if she has ever tried to use a rolly suitcase on the sidewalks she replied with, "I am a hooker, why would I use a rolly suitcase? And isn't called a 'rolling' suitcase, not 'rolly.'" Our reporter could not be reached for comment.
Anyways, it seems that travelers are having a harder and harder time using their technologically advanced luggage. Karin Hammerberg was quoted as saying, "They were re-doing some streets by my house. I was super excited because I had my cousins wedding coming up and I knew that I would be using my rolly suitcase. But instead of putting in regular concrete they put in cobblestone! It was terrible, my bag was tilting from side to side. I almost sprained my wrist." It seems that while brick and cobblestone is harder to keep clean, and serves no funcation purpose the city continues to spend extra money to put it in. Is this some sort of message to travelers with rolly suitcases? Or perhaps an even larger conspiracy to destroy rolly suitcase companies? When asked to comment on the theory Ms. Hammerberg said, "That's kinda stupid. Don't the same people who make rolly suitcases also make regular suitcases? I have to get back to work." So, the use of cobblestone and bricks over regular sidewalks will remain a mystery, continuing to "almost sprian" the wrists of travelers.
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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

can you say terrible employee?

i can.
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Monday, October 02, 2006

wedding madness

I went to my cousin's wedding this weekend. And it was phenomenal. My father and I proved to each other that neither of us can handle our liquor. And then there was a dance circle. And then I caught the bouquet. Did I mention it was open bar? My mom is going to send some pictures. You will be surprised one could be so drunk with their eyes still open. But besides all the drinking I loved seeing all my family. And I think my cousin is going to be extremely happy. She married a wonderful man. And I am sorry that I ruined her reception. If I ever have a wedding she can ruin mine, how about that? Just kidding, I will probably ruin my own.

Drinking is bizarre. Its weird how cool people think they are when they do it. Like senior year of high school, that kid who can barely read but can drink a lot suddenly becomes extremely popular and every girl wants to go to prom with him, because "he seems like he would be a fun date". Or in college when everyone just binge drinks until they have approval of their peers. why do we honor those that drink? and everyone tries to tell you drunk stories, and its like dude, we all have those. we all do. well not that LAME people who don't drink, am i right? virtual high five. look how bonded we all are now that we can share stories of putting poison in our bodies and doing stupid stuff we wouldnt do normally.

TRUST ME, these will be the best drunk pictures you have EVER seen. waaaay different than all the other drunk wedding pictures that exist. virtual high five.
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