Friday, April 27, 2007

No Thank You.

On working that is. I don't really feel like it today. I just don't have it in me. So, instead I propose that I do a little ebaying, walk around and talk to people, blog a little, feel hung over, and sorta slide out of doing actual work. Does that sound ok to you, bossy boss? Oh wait, that's right you aren't even here. Let's work out some sort of deal, when I am here on time, and in fact, early and the rest of the office is 45 minutes late because it's raining out (which apparently means that the world moves in slow motion) that I don't have to do any work. Okey dokey?

Also, I don't want to wear shoes today.

And I want to shove tuckloads of food into my hungover head, ok?

AND I am going to wear my headphones but not listen to music.

My back hurts so I am going to do this weird slouchy sitty thing that is extraordinarily unprofessional looking.

At some point, also, I am going to watch TV. I mean there's a TV right here in my cube.

I think that I am also going to sit by myself in the cafeteria just to avoid working.

I will RSVP a big ol' YES to the office party you are throwing next week. That should be fun, another office gathering at your house where we stand around and talk about work.

I will google chat with friends.

I will send out a work email with this line in it "And if none of you have this job/power this has been a waste of time."

LUV, me, your employee, your dutiful usually kinda good employee, the one without her shoes on and headphones on, the one that was here on time, the one with huge huge huge bags under my eyes, the one clearly bullshitting all day, me that's me, ok alright?

PS this is funny:

blah blah blah

i wanted to go to the baseball game, but me thinks its raining too hard

it's almost noon. that's almost 3 hours of not really working. let's see if i can make a really long run-on sentence

I am sitting here in my desk, cube type thing, which is actually a lot better than some people, they have pods where they don't even have full walls, thinking about what I am going to eat for lunch and then my foot fell asleep and I started hitting it against the floor, sort of like banging it, and then I remembered you aren't supposed to do that because you can actaully really hurt the asleep limb because you will bang it hard and since there's no feeling you can bang it to hard and actualy you are just supposed to wiggle it.

Well, that was boring. And so are you.

I'm open to guest blogs. But Boyfriend and Daniel are not on google chats today.

Oh! Sudoku... duh.
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Friday, April 20, 2007

Mid Mid Life Crisis

So, I am having my mid mid life crisis. Last night I dyed my hair and the best description for it is "Dried Blood." Kind of a browny red thing with a big scab on it.

Also, I am signing up for improv classes.

And I just bought a Ferrari.

And I got one ear pierced.

And I am dating at 24 year old (which is actually a year older than me, but young by most standards)

And I just sold all my stock options (what else do mid life crisis people do?)

And I want to move.

And I got a parrot.

And I am going to wear more gaudy jewelry.

And I am going to unbutton my shirt a lot.

And I think I am getting mid life crisis confused with pirates.

And I bought a boat. (Uh oh I don't think I can break the trend)

And I cut off my hand so I could have a hook, but instead of a hook I got a fake hand because they don't give out hooks any more.

And I was committed to the pysch ward because of the whole hand cutty offy thing.

And I am a ghost now.

And I buried all my valuables in the backyard (I wish, I live in an apartment that gets very little natural light not to mention there isn't any outdoor space at all.)

And I don't think I know anything more about pirates or mid life crisi.

You are really great and wonderful.

Oh. And I am kinda drunky at work.
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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Gut suckers

I am wearing gut sucker tights today at work. And they are making me feel awful. Not because I feel fat. But because they are sucking the beejesus out of me. Seriously all my internal organs are being mushed together.

Oh my gut hurts so bad. And it squeezes all the liquid out of me. So I have to pee so much. And they are kind of rolling and squeezing even harder. It is so awful. I think it is giving me a headache.

And I do this, why? Becaus I want my office which is mainly women and a few men who if they did hit on me would be immensely creepy to think I'm skinny. Perhaps I do it so people who see me walking to my work with my coat on can think I am skinny.

Little Brother just ordered a fake ID over the internet. I think stupid runs in the family.

God my gut hurts. I wish it to stop.
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Monday, April 16, 2007

Chances are you've already heard this...

So I went to DC Comedy Festival this weekend, which was lovely and painful.

But someone did a joke about shit hitting the fan. And it brought me back to about this time last year when I wrote the most amazing sketch ever, "Poop Factory Union." You have probably already heard this because I talked about it constantly and forced every improv I was ever in to be Poop Factory. I was a great improver. Alright so the sketch...

It opens in a poop factory at the assembly line. And all the workers are complaining because it is so hot in the poop factory. And they decide to make a poop factory union so they can get some fans in the poop factory. And there is a manager that's all grump (insert fudge packing jokes anywhere, plus shit jokes, and ass jokes and fart jokes and every other beautiful joke ever). So, finally they get a fan at the end of the assembly line. The only problem is that the guy at the end of the line is all lazy and slow. And tension is heating between management and the union. And it's all building towards shit hitting the fan.

It's really the best idea I've ever had..... maybe. Anyways receSs said we couldn't do it because of logistical reasons. Although I did write a sketch that involved stupid Chris Singel to pour chocolate pudding all over his pants and then Darren had to do a poop beer bong.

Anyways, everyone I met this weekend and hung out with was super nice, and that's nice.

All my plants at work are dying.
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Thursday, April 12, 2007

My Dream Diet

If we lived in a world where there was no such thing at nutrition, and fatties. This is what I would eat:

- Breakfast-
Cheese, any kind seriously
Cinnamon raisin toast

Swedish fish

Can of baby corn

Entire bag of dry chinese noodles you put on salads
As much fresh buttery movie theater popcorn I could eat until I fall into a coma




Swedish fish
(I know I already said it you asshole. I really like Swedish fish)

Ice cream cake

Brussle sprouts

I will probably amend this the more I think about it. It's much more fun than thinking about work. You've been great.
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Friday, April 06, 2007

Just so you know

License Plate Slogans
State - Slogan
Alabama - Stars Fell On; Heart of Dixie
Alaska - North to the Future; The Great Land; The Last Frontier
Arizona - Grand Canyon State
Arkansas - Opportunity Land; Land of Opportunity; The Natural State
California -The Golden State
Colorado - Colorful
Connecticut - Constitution State
Delaware - The First State
District of Columbia - The Nation's Capital; A Capital City; Celebrate& Discover; Taxation Without Representation
Florida - Sunshine State;
Georgia - Peach State ; ...On My Mind;
Hawaii - Aloha; Aloha State
Idaho - Potatoes; Scenic; Vacation Wonderland; World Famous Potatoes; Famous Potatoes
Illinois - Land of Lincoln
Indiana - Heritage State; Hoosier Hospitality; Amber Waves of Grain; The Crossroads of America;
Iowa - The Corn State
Kansas - The Wheat State; Midway USA
Kentucky - Bluegrass State; It's That Friendly; Unbridled Spirit
Louisiana - Sportsmen's Paradise; Sportsman's Paradise; Bayou State; LoUiSiAna
Maine - Vacationland
Maryland - Drive Carefully
Massachusetts - The Spirit of America
Michigan - Water Wonderland; Water Winter Wonderland; Great Lakes State; Great Lakes;Great Lakes Splendor
Minnesota - 10,000 Lakes; Explore
Mississippi - The Hospitatlity State
Missouri - Show-Me State
Montana - The Treasure State; Big Sky Country; Big Sky
Nebraska - The Beef State; Cornhusker State;
Nevada - The Silver State
New Hampshire - Scenic; Photoscenic Live Free or Die; First for Independence
New Jersey - Garden State
New Mexico - Sunshine State; Land of Enchantment
New York - The Empire State; Empire State
North Carolina - Drive Safely; First in Freedom; First in Flight
North Dakota - Peace Garden State; Discover the Spirit
Ohio - Seat Belts Fastened?; The Heart of It All!; Birthplace of Aviation
Oklahoma - Visit; Is OK!; Native America
Oregon - Pacific Wonderland
Pennsylvania - Keystone State; You've Got a Friend In; WWW.STATE.PA.US
Rhode Island - Discover; Ocean State
South Carolina - The Iodine State; The Iodine Products State; Smiling Faces; Beautiful Places
South Dakota - Great Faces; Great Places
Tennessee - Volunteer State; Sounds Good to Me
Texas - The Lone Star State
Utah - Center Scenic America; This Is the Place; Ski Utah!; Greatest Snow on Earth
Vermont - Green Mountains; Green Mountains State
Virginia - 1607-2007 400th Anniversary; Virginia is for Lovers
Washington - Evergreen State
West Virginia - Mountain State; Wild, Wonderful;
Wisconsin - America's Dairyland
Wyoming - none

- Lousiana where they just spell the state in goofy caps.
- The little fight between North Carolina and Ohio, one is First in Flight and the other is Birthplace of Aviation
- Poor Wyoming
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Daniel's Guest Blog

So I applied to this graduate school and I found out yesterday that I got in. Aside from that whole prospect of exploration in a collegiate environment stuff, what's most exciting about this is that I get to leave my totally soul crushing job that I've really just been keeping due its somewhat fancy reputation and personal lethargy.

But now that I get to leave the Deathstar the place has become much more amusing. This morning, as I was walking to work at 11 [I had a hangover (see below). I went to work when it went away.], I saw one of my most hated coworkers having a cigarette in front of the building. He greeted me and shared some pointless anecdote about the office that I'd missed "due to my tardiness" (he actually used that phrase, the loser). As we entered the building, he got on the elevator first and held the door for me. "No thanks," I said."Because I smell like cigarette?" he asked. I thought about this for asecond. "No," I said. "I just don't want to talk to you any more."

Crucial to the success of this plan is not telling anyone about gradschool. I want them just to notice steadily weirder and weirder behavior and have them wonder if I'm taking drugs at work or have Asperger's syndrome or something. And then, just when they're starting to have meetings where they want to discuss my declining productivity I'll just be like "oh, yea, grad school."

That thing at the elevator somewhat satisfying, but I'm contemplating taking this to another level. Could they actually fire me? It's always been my contention, since I have the world's most lazy and incompetent administrative assistant (she also has a weak chin that's deeply annoying to me, but I guess that's not relevant), that that sort of thing just doesn't happen here. But it looks like it's time saying "Yea, I don't really care" to people in my office when they ask me to do stuff. I've also been having fantasies about saying "well, I might get to that by the end of the day, but realistically I 've got 4 IM conversations going on here and they're pretty intense. Also, I haven't checked out OverheardinNewYork yet this week and I totally need to call my little brother, I haven't talked to him in a couple weeks so it'll take awhile. How about if this becomes one of those projects where you just send me emails about it every couple weeks until finally you give up and assign it to that intern who doesn't write very well?" It takes at minimum 4 months to fire someone from a nonprofit; the graduate program starts in August.

Realistically I'm having a little trouble implementing this plan.This morning I had to get something done by noon and I found myself telling my boss that I'd fix the edits really quickly. Then I realized that was old-style thinking. Also, I hadn't signed on to gmail by 1pm and one of my friends sent me an email with "where are you dickhead?" in the subject line. Good point: where was I? Off doing work when I could have been goofing off. Working diligently under deadlines was what nervous-young-professional-Dan would do. I am now scholar-Dan and I need to reevaluate my priorities. So who wants to take of early and get drunk with me at 3?
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Boyfriend Guest Blog

Thank you, thank you. Glad to be here. Briefly allow me to paint a verbose picture of last night's Easter egg debacle. You come in from smoking a cigarette (yes, unrepentant). There are chairs strewn about the house, and what's left of the Easter ham is hanging from the ceiling fan. You're first instinct is to break a bottle and go after the first person you see. This is a gut level reaction to what you perceive as the end of times, visited upon the earth at presumably the exact minute of the resurrection, clearly debunking the notion of the savior's magnanimity in face of betrayal and horrible death. The son of god is coming and he is, for lack of a better word, pissed. This perception passes. A revelation: you are now faced with what is clearly the result of Girlfriend's passion for both childhood holiday fun and the sauce, coupled with willing conspirators bent on jelly beans and havoc. Your epiphany is complete when you witness one of the aforementioned conspirators Judas-ly flipping over the chair in which Girlfriend is seated. The chair ends up on top of her limp form. This, apparently, heralds the end of merry-making. The rest of the evening, at least for yourself and Girlfriend, is consigned to cleaning up the debris. Now to the crux of this guest blog. On the long, cold, contemplative walk home you are faced with yet another revelation, this one infinitely more epic and of great cosmic import. The second coming draws nigh. Super Paper Mario is to be released for the Wii on the 9 th, harkening back to the blissful platforming days of yore with a touch of the RPG for your now refined gaming pallet. This thought consoles you on the walk. Images of a plump Italian plumber run on, and on, and on in your head, not unlike this blog and indeed many of the sentences in it.
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Alright, to make up for the lack of blogs lately I am doing an all day blog session. And there is an open policy on guest blogging meaning. Write something send it to me and I will post it.

Have I mentioned its really slow at work today?

You are wonderful.
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Easter Egg Hunt

Last night, Sir Jeff, created an Easter Egg Hunt. I had a very specific stratgey called, "Bratty."

-First you start by hearing the news that there's an Easter Egg Hunt. And then you immediately start looking for eggs, even if you are asked politely to stop.

- Then you continue to look for eggs, "slyly." While everyone in the room sort of begs you to stop.

- Then everyone drinks more wine.

- Then you begin finding eggs and scouting locations. People will start to get super annoyed with you. In fact, Boyfriend will physically restrain you from moving for a while. Good thing Boyfriend smokes cigarettes and has to go outside a lot.

- More wine.

-Then you flat out start collecting eggs.

- Then you make a deal with the devil aka JW because you need a place to stash the eggs before the actual Hunt begins. You promise him the prize if he will hide your eggs. He will eat the candy out of the eggs and do a so-so job of hiding them.

- Someone will discover your hidden stash and call you a cheater. JW will have already gotten his candy fix and will not defend your eggs.

- You will pout.

-Wine again.

-The Hunt will begin and in your rage of having been discovered as a cheater you tear apart the house. You will turn over chairs and tear out couch cushions. You will throw things at people and crawl under the table. Keep in mind you are 23 years old.

- Your bad behavior spurns others to behave even worse. This is key because then you start to look like the good one.

- You will feel bad and start to pick up all the jelly beans you threw at people. And you will half put some stuff back. (Note: Boyfriend will do most of the clean up if you move slow enough.)

- Jeff will then just give you the rest of the eggs including the one with the dollar in it. And he will give you the prize of jelly beans in the shape of a carrot. YOU HAVE WON.

- Then you will go to work the next day and have one of the most unproductive days of your life.
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Line of the day goes to.... ME! Said to Little Brother:

me: lets fly home this weekend and surprise mom by putting the flight on her credit cards
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BREAKING NEWS: Warm Days leading in polls

WASHINGTON, DC- There is almost an unanimous vote in the polls this morning that DC residents prefer warm days over cold days. Meterologist Patrick Swensen says he's not surprised, "People usually like warm days because the sun is out and they don't have to wear as many layers." DC resident and tax paying citizen, although not represented in the Senate or the House, Lindsey Dole says that she prefers Warm Days because then its not so cold out. "I don't know," says Lindsay, " it is just, like, nicer out when its warm, ya know? Like it's not cold, but warm, so it's nice." Swensen replied, "Well, it's a high pressure front moving in and replacing a low pressure area that can sometimes create percipitation, how....." Lindsy interjected "Yeah, I don't really give a shit about any of that, ya know? Like I don't understand what you are saying but it's not warm today, so I am kinda pissed. I think I will take it out on the guy who sits in the cube next to me." Which seems to be the consensus here in Washington.
Although, there is one man still holding out for Cold Days, Gene Grenger. Gene also lives in Washington, DC, but he unlike most of the other residents thinks Cold Days are "crisp" and they "really get the blood pumping." In fact, Gene doesn't wear a coat or closed toe shoes unless it's under 30 degrees. "I like the challenge of Cold Days. Sometimes, when it's real nippy I get an iced latte and drink it outside. I get a lot of looks, but I really think I am showing Cold Days, what's up. People who don't like Cold Days are just wimps." We can only imagine what Lindsyy would say to that.
But as for now, it looks like Gene will stay the minority in Washington, DC. Because as more and more people file into my office half an hour late all they have to say is "It's so cold out there. I am freezing. I can't believe how cold it is. Are you cold? I am freeeeeeeeezing. It's so cold!" And the beat goes on.
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