This is complicated....

I just saw something and got a knot in my stomach, and felt like I had to do something....

A friend of mine wrote something about someone who has been really nice to me, and has given me positive feedback in terms of comedy. I think this nice person may have been offended/upset about what my friend wrote. But maybe not because I don't really know what's going on. But I guess what I want to say is "Nice Person, I am sorry, Chris is just a jealous dude who just says stuff."

This doesn't really make sense.

Yikes.

If you don't understand it then its not about you....

Ok... have a good weekend.

Pros and Cons of Starving Yourself

Pro- you will lose some weight

Con- you will be hungry

Pro- you will get drunk faster

Con- once you are drunk you are more likely to binge eat foods available at 24-hour CVS's

Pro- you can make other people feel weird about eating in front of you

Con- you will be super hungry

Pro- you will get moody and snap at people, but it won't really be your fault

Con- people will still get pretty mad about you being moody and snappy

Pro- you won't have much energy

Con- wait that last one was a Con

Pro- you will have more free time because you won't be eating

Con- your body will slowly begin to shut down

Pro- other people will be "so jealous of your will power"

Con- you will be starvingly hungry

Pro- you will get a lot of attention from people because they will get very concerned about you

Con- you may be hospitalized for this

Pro- finally being embraced by society because you have conformed to the images displayed in the media about how a woman should look.

This list isn't exhaustive, balanced, or completely logical.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!1

My friend Jesse SAW LAUREN GRAHAM. FROM THE GILMORE GURLZ (sic). AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH. He called me and then walked behind her while talking to me. I can imagine that it was incredibly awkward for her. Oh man alive.

There was something else I wanted to type about, but I forget. Maybe I will think of it later.

Super Duper Fast

I used to have day dreams about Spider Solitaire tournaments, or like Free Cell street fights. Where I would be called upon to display my amazing computer card game skills. They would be elaborate battles with an announcer narrating everything. He would guess what was going on inside my head, and wonder out loud how anyone could be so good. Then I saw this (scroll to the last minute if you are a patientless human being who's watched to many jump cuts to have an adult sized attention span):



Chances are that I am probably not as good at computer games as I thought I was... I could make a video of myself playing solitaire, but at no point do the cards disappear and I continue to dominate. I suppose I will just have be satisfied with having a real life without carpal tunnel syndrome. Oh well.

Some suggestions

Here are some suggestions I have:

- Chickie on her cell phone this morning. Zip it. It's early, I don't want to hear you talking on the phone so loud. I don't care what you did this weekend. Or how late you stayed up (3 am), and yes, it's nice that you didn't tell your roommate that her friends had to leave, even though you could hear everything from your room. Maybe you should say something, and set up some boundaries otherwise you always be "SOOO TIRED."

- Man with tight pants in cafeteria. Please, please, stop it. If you can't get your wallet out, they are too tight. Although, it is amusing to watch you wiggle around and try to slip your fingers in your pockets, it also looks painful.

- Drink more water.

- The slow walking man. Keep up the good work. When that bike kept dinging it's bell at you, and you didn't notice, that was awesome. It went on for over half a block. It was hilarious.

- People with weird motives. Cut it out. I don't get it, and I can't keep up. Just be relaxed and normal and then we can be friends.

- Creepy improv guy, I can't help be charmed by your creepy ways. Although I am taken aback how often you mention sex, I understand it's part of your creepy ways. Stay creepy and funny.

- Falafel, stay wonderful.

- Eat more fiber, and if that's hard for you to do. Start taking Fiber Choice. It's like candy and its wonderful.

- Cafeteria, if your credit card machine is down. Please let us know before we make our oatmeal with crasins and raisins. I can't put that shit back.

- The woman who bought me my oatmeal. Thank you!!! (That's not a suggestion, it was just nice.)

- Keep your head up. This is going to be a great autumn. I can feel it.

200th Post

It's been a while. Sorry, I am not going to pander.

Ok, if you have a time machine, I would like to let you know somewhere you should not go. And that is to the party I attended last Sunday. It was.... close to the most boringest place I have ever been. And I have been to museums and lectures and boringest places. But this was a party, and it was boring. I am sorry to people in Columbian Journalism school, but the majority of you are boring. Deal with it.

The people were so incredibly painfully boring, so harshly blissfully intensely boring, that they were almost interesting. Like how can a person have a functioning brain and still be this boring, I need to examine to understand more. BUT NO. They stopped right before that point, and actually countered with a little asshole-ness. It was probably the worst combination ever.

And I feel bad because I wanted to like the party, I was ready to have a good amount of fun, bordering on awesome amount of fun. Yet every conversation was ABOUT networking. No one was actually networking, they just wanted to talk about networking. I don't think there is a more douchy boring assholeish conversation topic than "networking."

And then I walked like 15 blocks through Harlem fairly drunky to get a cab. And that part wasn't as much boring as it was scary. But I still wouldn't take a time machine back for that part.
I feel like I have lost an edge. But it will fucking come back.

I have a staple-less stapler. What are you doing for the environment?