RIDDLE!

I do not know the answer to this, but if you do tell me.

A man gets on a plane and says hi to someone and then gets arrested immediately after…what was the reason he got arrested?

Update: Drama!

Rather than being really nice and making him fall in love with me, I am never going to make eye contact again and make all interactions the worst ever. So even if we have a really bad one, the next one after that will be even worse.

Drama!

So, yesterday at work I was talking to this guy about how I needed him to deliver some stuff to me. And I told him there were like 50 people on my back about it. Which is CLEARLY an exaggeration, but there were like 5-6 people who wanted it, which is kinda a lot, right?

So later in the day he sends me this email chain that answers some questions I had. And at the very bottom of the chain is an email from him to a bunch of people that says Karin has "50 people" on her about this. WHOA, right? He is totally making fun of me! I can't believe it. I sat through a 45 minute conference call thinking of all different ways to respond to him.

So now I am BEYOND nice to him. I keep sending him emails with smiley faces in them (EVEN THOUGH I HATE SMILEY FACES). And whenever I see him I am super nice and extremely hilarious, just to show him. Don't make fun of me! People like me! If we should be making fun of anyone it should be you, mister "50 people."

This is what my life has been reduced to, reading email chains and getting upset over quotation marks. Because if the quotations weren't there then it wouldn't be a big deal. But since there are quotations its like he is using a funny voice or something.

I think I am going to try and get this guy to fall in love with me, and then break his heart. That'll show him for mocking me in an email to a bunch of people who don't know me!

I want to write something redeeming at the end of this post. But I honestly have nothing. There is nothing redeeming in my life right now. I think I'll just get that lotto book and quit my job, because hey if I play the lotto, I might as well be playing to win. Rather than I don't know, playing to socially interact with the guy at 7-11.

Spam

Sometimes I go through my gmail spam box. Why? You ask because of things like this:

Lotto Winners Handbook
Lotto Strategies That Really Work - Forget About Blind Luck

If You Are Going to Play the Lotto then You Might as Well Play to Win!

Valuable Lotto Information Site

There are various strategies that we can show you.

* How to hit the lotto without spending a fortune each week.
* How to build your own successful lotto system... you’ll be surprised at how easy it is.
* How to choose the right numbers and create a winning ticket.
* How to open the door to true lottery riches.
* The most common reasons why people lose and what you can do to avoid falling into the same traps!

If you're playing the lotto more than once a month or you're just sick and tired of losing... then you
owe it to yourself to get this information.

My favorite part is how to build your own lotto system. Because that's probably the only true statement in the entire spam.

My Obituary by Daniel

Daniel wrote me an obit. I removed some key information. It's pretty good. Here it is:

Karin Hammerberg, [age], a unit manager of channel programming at [I really shouldn't say the name], who led a whirlwind life as the socially dynamic component of several Washington, DC comedy groups, died [date] of [death cause] at [place died]. She was [age].

An actress, comedian, film producer, blogger, television star, writer of comedy sketches, and television producer, she lived at the center of Washington, DC social life, entertaining successive generations of the city's artistic and political elite.

As doyenne of Thursday night Yotor House dinner party circuit, she and her common-law husband dazzled guests with their wit and excitement. As a hostess and occasional confidante, she hobnobbed with the most celebrated people of her day, including Howie and AJ from the Backstreet Boys, Alexandra Evans, Jeffrey Greggs, Michael Jordan, and Dennis Rodman.

"Karin was ridiculous," said Justin Windholtz, a friend. "She once drew penises all over my face in permanent marker!"

Miss Hammerberg was born in Marburg, Germany in 1983 and was a 2006 graduate of George Washington University. While she was a teenager in Chicago she was invited to look at schools in Washington, DC. While friends often thought she got her nickname, "the hammer" from to her abrasive sense of humor, in fact her nickname derived from her childhood moniker, "little hammer," which was given to her by older brother.

With help of friends, Karin Hammerberg landed small roles in several films beginning in 2001, including 2005's "Check," 2006's "Paper.com," and 2006's "Smoking," (as seen on Youtube.com) though her biggest part was as a corpse on National Geographic's "Is It Real? Vampires" in 2006.

She maintained a regularly updated weblog, http://www.gilmoregurlz.blogspot.com/ that was the delight of thousands of her devoted fans. "[I loved her]…blog," said Chris Singel, an admirer. "[I hope every]… person reads it and realizes
how hilariously awesome/ [smart and pretty]… [she was]. …High five!"

In 2006 so she got a job at [NOPE NOPE NOPE], where her hard work, brilliance, and humility earned her rapid promotions—from intern to unit manager of the channel programming department in less than a year—at the organization. "I don't know how we'll go on without her," said [Boss woman who doesn't know my name], a coworker (boss).

In addition to other comedic projects, Hammerberg and Emily Axford created a comic persona called The Stacies, extended sketchess in which two disparate women pretended to be twins.

Survivors include her mother "Doesn't it feel good to pay your own bills" Hammerberg and her father, "How old are you again?" Hammerberg, as well as two brothers, Craig of Washington, DC and Clinton of Breckinridge, CO; and her longtime companion, Asa Boy of Washington, DC.

My Obituary

I have decided to write my own obit. I guess because dying doesn't make people guilty enough in my book. I really want to get'em good. By writing sappy lovey stuff that will make everyone feel horrible. That's what I want. I also want to make myself sound awesome. And while the ones the newspaper writes for you is usually pretty decent, I think I can do myself more justice. And just think if I die young and I have already written my obit. It's like I knew it was coming. I mean COME ON that is heartwrenching.

I am thinking of forwarding a copy of it to my mom, just to get the guilt started early.

I'll post a draft soon.

So Quiet

There's no one at the office today.... except one girl on the other side of my cubicle. It feels like when you are in a bathroom with lots of stalls and someone chooses the one right next to you. I know it's not really the same because she can't choose her cubicle. But this is also only her second day, so I think I still have the freedom to be kinda judgemental towards her. You know, just before we have our first conversation and then I decide shes really nice and that I like her a lot. And we exchange cellphone numbers and find out we live in the same building and start hanging out all the time. And we start watching our favorite TV shows together and have Wednesday night pasta night alternating at each other houses. And then she is getting married and she will ask me to be one of the bridesmaids. And we buy houses next to each other, and our kids become best friends and eventually fall in love with each other and it works perfectly because we have always felt like family with each other... ANYWAYS until that conversation I can judge her, and roll my eyes when she asks where we keep the printer paper.

And it is super quiet here. But what's fun is because I am such a bad speller I don't know if I am saying quiet or quite. And that's something, friends, the spell check cannot correct.

They keep telling us we will get out early, I've yet to see evidence of this.

Funny

You know what's funny? When the guy walking down the street next to you have clickity-clack shoes, and you as the girl are wearing tennis shoes. Because you would think the noise should be coming from a woman's shoe, but it's not. It's the fancy pants with the leather breif case already on his cellphone at 8:30 in the morning. I would be pissed if someone called me at 8:30 in the morning, unless is was my mom telling me that she is re-instating (thank you commenter, spelling is super hard, and usually I don't fix my mistakes [see dinasaurs about two parts down] but re-estating was too embarassing even for me) the "emergency credit card." I would take that call.

Sometimes I think about writing about something that's in the news to see how many more hits that would get me, but I think that would weaken the integrity of my blog. On Halloween I kept talking about how we had to keep up the integrity of our costumes, and my friend Shanna thought that was hilarious. But I guess thats because she was wearing a spraypainted trashbag, so her costume didn't really start with a lot of integrity. I didn't know whether "spraypainted" and "trashbag" are compound words, so I compounded both of them. That could be super wrong.

I brought plastic dinosaurs into my cubicle, for no reason. Everyone keeps asking about them. I should make up a good answer, because right now I say "no reason." And I don't think people are very satisified with that. It's a brontasaurus and a stegasaurus. Dinasaur names are close to impossible to spell, especially for someone like me who doesn't spell very well, and rarly uses dinosaur names.

The title of this post may be missing leading, its not so much "funny" as it is long. And if you know me I think there are few things on this earth that can be both funny and long, besides of course [insert large animal]'s penis (ie whale). (Come on that's kinda funny).

I don't want to stop typing. I just don't. I really don't. My fingers are being so fast, and the words are just pouring out of me. This is an incredible high.

Now this is the portion of this post if you decide whether reading this was a waste of your time or not. My vote as the person who wrote it, "it changed my life, but the time spent writing it is time that I will have to stay later at work, so kinda a waste." Have a wonderful day.

Dear Thanksgiving,

Dear Thanksgiving,
Thank you for always being on a Thursday. You ensure that we also get Friday off. What an awesome move. Seriously, you did some good thinking before deciding on Thursday. You could have chosen Friday, which would have created a three day weekend, still awesome, but not as good as four. You could have picked Wednesday it an attempt in get Thursday and Friday off. But you knew that's just unrealistic. There's no way you could get five days off, that's a money losing endeavor for any company. And Tuesday you ask, what if Thanksgiving decided to be on Tuesday? Perhaps we would have gotten Monday off, but then we would have to go back to work on Wednesday. The day AFTER the holiday. That's the worst. Think about being all full on Wednesday. You would have nothing to look forward to because the holiday had already passed. Oh man. Thinking about it know is almost bringing me to tears (I just got my period, and I am ALLOWED to be a little emotional, at least I am not fucking pregnant, because think how awful I would be then.) So in conclusion Thanksgiving, you are a genius. Even though I am a vegetarian, and barely get to eat anything the pumpkin pie is ennough for me. What a wonderful decision you have made.

Luv,
karin

PS One time I asked this foreign guy if he was going home for Thanksgiving. And he said yes and I was like oh wow, I didn't think you would. And he was like we celebrate Thanksgiving, we are Christian. And I just had to walk away. Because I don't know a lot about religion, but I did attend middle school and I KNOW Thanksgiving isn't about religions, its about pretending to be friends with the Indians before we give them Yellow Fever? Am I right?

I'd like to think of it as charming...

My friend Daniel thinks I am messy. Now, this accusation, while EXTRAORDINARILY hurtful, is not incredibly off base. I do not usually wear very fancy clothes. I do not spend hours doing my hair. Sometimes I will pass up a shower for twenty minutes of sleep, but not usually. I always brush my teeth. I am not quaffed, as Daniel so gently put it.

I would like to think that becaue I am kind of careless about my everyday it makes me look more special when I do dress up. It shows that I am fun, and go-with-the-flow.

And to be honest. I think I asked Daniel if he thought I was messy looking. But still....

HE WEARS THE SAME T-SHIRT ALL THE TIME!

XOXOXOX.

Holiday Office Party

I have never been to a HOP before (Holiday Office Party) and I am super excited. I cannot wait for the debauchery to begin. Now its at some restaraunt, which confuses me a little... Do we bring our own copiers to make pictures of our fannies? Or does the restaraunt have that on hand? I cannot wait for the boss to dress up as Santa and sexually harass all of the women (I'M INCLUDED ON THAT!!). I can't wait to kareokee (sp?) to stupid songs while my co-workers throw their drunken little legs around with their shoes falling off. I can't wait to make best friends with the mail guy, only to ignore him again on Monday. All the guys will take off their ties and wear them on their heads. This is going to be the best HOP EVER!!! (I hope my expectations aren't too high)

BUT I PROMISE AT THE HOP I WILL NOT DRAW ON ANYONE'S FACES BECAUSE THAT IS MEAN AND THEY WILL GET MAD AT YOU AND THEN I WILL BE REALLY WORRIED ABOUT THEM BEING MAD AT ME THAT I CAN BARELY CONCENTRATE AT WORK BECAUSE I AM SO RACKED WITH GUILT ABOUT HOW WE WERE ALL LAUGHING REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD BECAUSE WE JUST KEPT DRAWING AND HE JUST KEPT NOT WAKING UP.

Under the desk

I keep accidently pressing the eject button with my foot under the desk, and then the disk tray pops out and brushes against my leg and I freak out a little. I've done it a few times. And I keep freaking out. Plus there are peanut m&ms in the office. And I keep wanting to eat them. But I shouldn't.

I don't do much other than work. On Friday I drew on a guy that was passed out. I think he was really mad. I sent him a sorry text message. But I don't know if he has forgiven me. I feel really bad. But at the time it was BEYOND hysterical. But I am sorry. If he reads this, I am sorry. Really sorry. Please don't be mad. You can draw on me.

Sacha slammed cake in my face on my birthday. And it got it my eye. (Did I already blog about this?) But I couldn't get mad because then I would look like a party pooper. But my eye was bright red and it stung really badly. And when I washed all the cake all my make-up came off too. I looked stupid. And it was awkward. So, see? Bad things have happened to me to. So please don't be mad.

Dear Bosses,
You walking quickly down the hallway does not impress me. I know what you have going on because I set it up for you. It's a lunch meeting. Those papers you are flipping furiously through. I know what those are too, because I printed them out and stapled them for you. I know you aren't busy. I know you talk on the phone with other bosses all day. I know you don't check your email. What you do doesn't impress me.

What would impress me on the other hand is when we pass each other in the hallway you looking me in the eyes and remembering my name. THAT would impress me, not flipping through all those papers and ignoring me.

Thanks,
Underlings

I've Been Accepted

I just recieved my first intra-office forward!!!! I am so super excited. It's some stupid video of a European car commercial about a woman parking. HOLLER. That's some good intra-office shit dude. Perhaps I will bring up the video in one of many two hour long meetings. Oh man. I feel good.

Wake up!

A great way to get yourself good and awake in the mornings is when you are getting in the shower to step on the shower curtain and slip. In those brief seconds the amount of adrenaline your body produces as your claw at the shower curtain in a desperate attempt to keep from falling should last you to at least your monring cup of coffee.

GOOD MORNING!

ELECTION DAY!!!

One time when I was in Costa Rica I tried to gamble all my money away but the machines were so complicated taht I actually just ended up using the casino as a currency exchange place. It was close to the airport so it was super convenient. But stupid casino, right? Although I don't think the exchange rate was great.

It election day. (I want to let you know that I am not even registered to vote.) But I am super afriad I will now get bombarded with comments about how awful I am. Ok fine, but you know what I will do then? Hmm? I will say at least I didn't molest any teenage boys (well I suppose when I was a teenage girl I kinda did some stuff that... whatevs) I DIDN'T MOLEST ANYONE. I don't have a noose hanging on my cubicle wall. I have NEVER bribed anyone! I am not seeking political office to bolster my own slef-esteem only to blantantly misuse that power has soon as I have it. I'm not constantly asking you for money, OR MAKING THOSE HORRIBLE COMMERCIALS. (As someone who works in media, I have to say those commercials are god awful. I mean really truly terrible. Can't someone tell these power hungry monsters that there audio levels need to be fixed? Or can someone just mic them in the first place so they don't have pump the levels for them to be heard?) Now I don't want to play those cards, but I just want you to know that I have them. And if forced I will in fact use them.

So in conclusion. I am lazy and in between state residences. Bombard away.

New Job v. Old Job

NEW JOB OLD JOB
-cubicle -halldesk
-two computers -one computer
-9 am start time -10 am start time
-lots of post-it notes -almost no reason to use post-it notes
-no people -old people
-getting trained -already knowing what to do

when i think of more i will let you know.

500

Kate you are correct 500 is awesome. However, when retelling this story I found that a lot of people didn't know what 500 is. This seems incredible to me. 500 is a staple game. How do you not know what it is?

One person has the ball-
the thrower



The thrower throws the ball towards the
group and yells out a certain number of
points (ie 200).




The big group of many people stand a little ways away-
the catchers

Whoever catches the ball gets that number of points. Whoever among the catchers get 500 points first is the new thrower.

It is a super simple game, that I have been playing for years. Is it a midwest thing? I don't really think so. Get with the program.

New Job Update

My skin looks bad. And I don't like what I am wearing. I can feel that people don't like me. They probably think I am the ugly girl who wears uncomfortable looking clothes. I am wearing dress clothes that doesn't fit quite right because I don't dress up a lot. It's awful.

I had this same problem when I was an intern.

I hope to wake up tomorrow and have retained all of the information I have learned today, and not have to be trained any more. And I hope that my dress clothes fit better and that someone has done all my dishes.

New Job

I started my new job today. I am blogging from a whole new computer. I think I am suck at this new job. Mainly because I'm not listening to anything. I am nodding though. I think I have a voice message, but I don't know how to get it. I miss my old job.

I think everyone hates me already. I had an hour and a half long meeting today. It was too long. I don't have anything to do right now.